Friday, January 27

The CDP In Review: Best Lists/Countdowns.

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Over the last eight years, the CDP has ranked, sorted, filed and counted down nearly every facet of music, television and film. This is due to equal parts OCD, an obsession with Pop Culture and possibly undiagnosed Autism. Here now, a massive selection of some of the most popular lists and countdowns in CDP history. Enjoy.

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Top Albums Of 2011 (20-16)
Top Albums Of 2011 (15-11)
Top Albums Of 2011 (10-6)
Top Albums Of 2011 (5-1)

Top Songs Of 2010
Top Albums Of 2010 (20-16)
Top Albums Of 2010 (15-11)
Top Albums Of 2010 (10-6)
Top Albums Of 2010 (5-1)

Top Albums Of The Decade (250-201)
Top Albums Of The Decade (200-176)
Top Albums Of The Decade (175-151)
Top Albums Of The Decade (150-126)
Top Albums Of The Decade (125-101)
Top Albums Of The Decade (100-76)
Top Albums Of The Decade (75-51)
Top Albums Of The Decade (50-31)
Top Albums Of The Decade (30-11)
Top Albums Of The Decade (10-1)

Top 3rd Wave Ska Albums (50-41)
Top 3rd Wave Ska Albums (40-31)
Top 3rd Wave Ska Albums (30-21)
Top 3rd Wave Ska Albums (20-11)
Top 3rd Wave Ska Albums (10-1)

'A Lifetime Of Music' List
Top 20 Music Videos Of The Decade
Top 20 Concerts Of The Decade

Top Albums Of 2009

Top Songs Of 2008
Top Albums Of 2008 (20-16)
Top Albums Of 2008 (15-11)
Top Albums Of 2008 (10-6)
Top Albums Of 2008 (5-1)

Top Songs Of 2007
Top Albums Of 2007 (20-16)
Top Albums Of 2007 (15-11)
Top Albums Of 2007 (10-6)
Top Albums Of 2007 (5-1)

Top Albums Of 2006 (20-16)
Top Albums Of 2006 (15-11)
Top Albums Of 2006 (10-6)
Top Albums Of 2006 (5-1)

Top Albums Of 2005 (20-16)
Top Albums Of 2005 (15-11)
Top Albums Of 2005 (10-6)
Top Albums Of 2005 (5-1)

Top Albums Of The 90's (150-101)
Top Albums Of The 90's (100-71)
Top Albums Of The 90's (70-41)
Top Albums Of The 90's (40-21)
Top Albums Of The 90's (20-1)

Worst Album Covers Of All-Time (Part 1)
Worst Album Covers Of All-Time (Part 2)

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Top 10 TV Shows Of 2010

Top 10 TV Shows Of The Decade (10-6)
Top 10 TV Shows Of The Decade (5-1)

Top 20 TV Shows Of All-Time (20-11)
Top 20 TV Shows Of All-Time (10-1)

'A Lifetime Of TV Shows' List
Best 'Instantly Canceled' TV Shows Of The Decade
Analysis Of The Most Popular TV Shows Of The Decade
Worst TV Shows Of The Decade

Top TV Shows Of The 90's (30-21)
Top TV Shows Of The 90's (20-16)
Top TV Shows Of The 90's (15-11)
Top TV Shows Of The 90's (10-6)
Top TV Shows Of The 90's (5-1)

Worst Simpsons Episodes Ever
Best Simpsons Episodes Of All-Time (10-6)
Best Simpsons Episodes Of All-Time (5-1)

Top 25 UFC Moments Of All-Time

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Top 15 Nintendo Games Of All-Time
Top 30 Atari Games Of All-Time (30-16)
Top 30 Atari Games Of All-Time (15-1)
Top 20 Super Nintendo Games Of All-Time
Top 20 Sega Genesis Games Of All-Time

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Top Movies Of The Decade (30-21)
Top Movies Of The Decade (20-16)
Top Movies Of The Decade (15-11)
Top Movies Of The Decade (10-6)
Top Movies Of The Decade (5-1)

Top Movies Of The 90's (100-81)
Top Movies Of The 90's (80-61)
Top Movies Of The 90's (60-41)
Top Movies Of The 90's (40-21)
Top Movies Of The 90's (20-1)

That ought to hold you for a little while. Sound off in the comments section and enjoy your weekend.

Thursday, January 26

The CDP In Review: Best Essays (2011)

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Here now, 11 of the Best CDP Essays from 2011, listed in ascending order of greatness. None of these essays are available in book form or anywhere else; enjoy.

#11. 'Tat's All Folks.' - 1/11/11
My first tattoo doesn't turn into a humiliating failure. Yet.

#10. 'Canceling The Simpsons? Best Idea Ever.' - 10/10/11
Why the greatest television show of all-time needs to leave to remain relevant.

#9. 'The Most Realistic Video Game Ever Made.' - 7/18/11
How UFC Undisputed blew my mind right out the back of my skull.

#8. 'The La Crosse Incident.' - 8/8/11
Possibly the most paranormal experience I've ever had.

#7. 'Happy 7th Anniversary; Sorry I Ruined Your Life.' - 7/11/11
The anniversary we spent in the cabin of a tow truck.

#6. 'The Cutest Loser.' - 10/17/11
The Missus accomplishes something nearly miraculous.

#5. 'Somebody Must Have Stepped On A Butterfly.' - 7/27/11
Time Travel exists, and I have proof in the form of a children's book.

#4. 'Identity Theft Is Unfortunate.' - 4/18/11
Waking up to no money in your bank account is a humbling, terrifying, infuriating experience.

#3. 'The Golden Briefcase.' - 6/20/11
The Summer I spent peddling pornography and mowing lawns.

#2. '2011 State Of The CDP Speech.' - 12/26/11
I'm nearly 30; it's time to do something else for awhile.

#1. 'So Long, And Thanks For Laughing At My Poop Stories.' - 2/18/11
Thanks, indeed. How a day at a High School changed my perceptions of nearly everything.

Sound off in the comments section and enjoy your day.

Wednesday, January 25

The CDP In Review: Best Essays (2008-2010)

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Here now, the Best CDP Essays from 2008 to 2010. Some of these ended up in my second book, 2010's Aerating The Mashed Potatoes. Enjoy.

‎'The Hole To Hell.'
‎‎When you're a little kid, hanging out you're with your best friend, anything is possible.

'I Have A Black Belt In Armchair Jiu-Jitsu.'
‎How I injured myself watching people fight.

'10 Hard-Hitting Questions.'
‎I will ask you these questions when we meet, so you'd better brush up.

'The Communist Search Party.'
‎I once ran away from home because I didn't want to finish writing my book. Here's the saga.

'Shoot To Kill.'
‎The day I turned down murdering an animal, and became a man.

'A War Of Words With An Unarmed Man.'
‎I take on religion, e-mail spammers and bad album covers in one fell swoop. I actually had to consult with an attorney on this one.

'A Feral, Angry Cantaloupe Of Hellfire And Awful.'
‎Hedgehogs aren't born awesome; they're trained to be awesome. The rest just give you night terrors.

'The Broken Elbow Quadrilogy.'
‎The Missus broke her elbow, and because of that, I hate Roller Derby.

'The Leukemia Nickel.'
‎The guilt-driven racket of the Leukemia Society.

'One Week In Dubuque.'
‎A long weekend photoessay into one of the most surreal cities I've ever drunkenly wandered.

'The Basement Treadmill Of The New Millennium.'
‎On setting goals, becoming what you want to be, and eventually settling on what you already are.

'I Still Do Weddings.'
‎I have officiated two weddings. Here's the story behind one of them. Spoiler Alert: I get drunk at the reception, botch their license and ruin everything.

'The Pre-CDP Essays.'
‎The Teen Years, the Band Years and the College Years. Pretty interesting stuff if you want to know how I became...you know...who I am.

'Look At Me, I Can Use A Computer!'
‎I honestly still don't understand why people bring computers into coffee shops.

'It's All Okay.'
‎How a man being killed by a flying car battery changed my life forever.

'The Walking Dead Friday - Season One.'
‎The entire collection of Walking Dead Friday. Zombies ahoy; I'm pretty good at recapping television shows, which is a lot like being good at nothing of significant worth.

'Play Don't.'
‎My mom took me to therapy when I was a kid. It didn't last long, and here's why.

'Why I Will Never Be The Host Of This Old House.'
‎Boiling water, exploding sump pumps, three feet of snow and proof positive that I have no business whatsoever owning a home.

'Shop 'Till You Drop (Or Stab Someone).'
‎The time I got trolled at a supermarket and nearly stabbed a guy. A must-read.

'To Here Knows When.'
Just...look, I know I have a lot to be thankful for, but believe me, you don't want my life.

Lost Friday – Season Six.'
Over the course of five years, I recapped about 100 episodes of Lost. Here's all of 'em.

Sound off in the comments section and enjoy your day.

Tuesday, January 24

The CDP In Review: Best Essays (2006-2008)

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Here now, the Best CDP Essays from 2006 to 2008. Hereby known as the 'Golden Era.'

Twenty Photographs Of Door County.
Sometimes, a weekend away from everything with a few good friends is better than the most expensive vacation money can buy. This was not one of those times.

1989 CDP Evaluation.
My First Grade teacher was a vindictive, awful, unintentionally hilarious woman.

The CDP vs. PETA.
I take on PETA and win. Kind of.

Eat Me, Cake.
One of my favorite bands declares unwarranted chemical warfare on their fans.

The Geek.Kon Aftermath.
I enter a Guitar Hero tournament at a bona fide Nerd Convention, and make an unforgivable mistake during my ascent to immortality.

My iPod ‘Asploded.
Apple doesn't care about me, my car, or my money.

A Ziploc Bag Full Of Chocolate Chip Cookies.
The feel-good essay of the decade.

Who Wants To Date An Internet Has-Been?
I deal with being washed-up before anyone even knew who I was.

Shove That Crystal Ball Straight Up Your Chute.
Sylvia Browne and other psychics are called to task.

Snap, Crackle, Poop.
Never exercise, because you'll probably break something and ruin your life.

Your Karma Ran Over My Legma.
I am Even Steven. This is not a blessing, and it nearly leads to my death on the freeway.

Kickin’ It With Cliff.
Did you know I have an older brother? Enjoy one of my weirder, rare forays into fiction.

26 Things That Suck About Turning 26.
Most of these still ring true now that I'm about to turn 30.

Grumble, Alone, Grumble, Polysics.
An epic featuring a sleep study, loneliness, Japanese punk rock and the scariest venue in Milwaukee.

A Life Without Tires.
I need to be a more dependable and trustworthy person, and a blown tire made me realize that.

Talking Sex With The CDP.
Dim the lights and set the mood.

Adventures In Cyber Sex.
Dim the lights and set the...oh man, this is wrong.

Everything Plus One.
I love my wife. Here is one of the many times I have proclaimed that in public.

You Have No Idea What ‘Having No Idea’ Means.
Will I renounce Agnosticism for true love? Yes. Yes I will. It doesn't mean I'll succeed, though. Here's a tragic tale for the ages.

Meet The New American Gladiators.
Speaking of tragic tales, here's my tribute to the greatest show to almost instantly get pulled from the air, the reboot of American Gladiators.

Don’t You Go Forgetting About Me.
I had a physical relationship with a teacher once. For realsies. Check it out; it's sort of beautiful and crazy and even crazier still.

Boom Goes The Spider Bite.
Ever fall into a toilet trying to kill a spider? Enjoy a story that will remind you why I have to write down the things that happen to me.

Sound off in the comments section and enjoy your day.

Monday, January 23

The CDP In Review: Best Essays (2004-2006)

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Here now, the Best CDP Essays from 2004 to 2006, voted on by myself and nobody else. Some of these essays ended up in my 2007 book, 65 Poor Life Decisions. Most did not.

"Good Morning, Dark Lord."
When my band played a show in Upper Michigan, we didn't realize we'd end up in an argument with a mob of Christian Conservatives.

"Adventures In Broadcasting."
Shortly after snagging a job announcing High School basketball games, I end up implicated in one of the biggest sports scandals in Winneconne history.

"The Price I Pay."
I hate this guy. Still do, actually.

"The Long And Winding Road."
One of the weirdest weekend vacations of my life: Swingers, fake cruise ships and a Beatles tribute band.

"I Just Don't Understand."
Please don't steal from me. It hurts my feelings.

"On Getting My Head Chainsawed Off."
On getting back into video gaming, and wetting one's pants with fear.

"The Toronto Diaries."
I spent eight days in Toronto with my best friends. Everything went wrong, and here's proof.

"Support Your Local Cat."
Everyone likes cats on the Internet. Here's a story about mine.

"Razor Burn."
I talk beards before the hipsters ruined them for everyone.

"Harry Potter - The IMAX Experience."
A cranky old man rant about the state of movie theaters (and films themselves).

"Where's My Promotion?"
Sometimes, offices trust their lowliest employees with unbelievably expensive things. At one time, I was that employee.

"10 Stupid Jobs."
I am the #1 Google search for 'Stupid Jobs,' a legacy I'll probably take to my grave. Not sure if I'm proud of this or not, but it's definitely a thing.

"It's My Costume."
Worst Halloween ever. End of story.

"Subbin' It Up."
I cut this essay from my book because I thought the tone was too mean. You be the judge.

"Insect Karma Revolt."
If this essay, about an office battle to the death with a horsefly, doesn't make you laugh, you have no business being here.

"Tackling Reggie White."
I've heard from many people that this is their favorite CDP essay. Hall-Of-Famer Reggie White adds me to his list of decimated defensive enemies.

"The CDP's Guide To Vegetarianism."
Want to go vegetarian? Here's an easy way to do it.

"No Scents Whatsoever."
I was never good with the ladies. Here's how a decent attempt at love ended up with a near trip to the hospital (and jail).

"You're A Woman, I'm A Machine."
Ever sit through a three hour Timeshare pitch in an attempt to snag free plane tickets to Hawaii? I did.

"The Homecoming Quadrilogy."
Someday this will be made into a movie. Here's one night of my teenage life that, sadly, was like dozens more I haven't written about yet. Really, you're going to want to read this Four-part epic.

"Intro-Feedback-Setup-Punchline-Repeat."
After the 2004 Presidential Elections, I started a political cartoon. Seriously. Ran for several months. Check it out, most of them are still funny.

"The Worst Album Covers Of All-Time."
One of the first CDP essays to go viral, here's a snapshot of the worst album covers ever, containing my trademark witty banter.

"The Loud Neighbor Sextet."
Our apartment neighbors kept us awake for months with their frantic lovemaking. So we decided to go to war. One of us eventually moved out as a result. Another must-read.

"My First Job."
My first job. The very reason I started the CDP in the first place was to talk about the Hardware Store that supplied me with income from 1999-2002. Essential viewing, this.

Sound off in the comments section and enjoy your day.