Friday, August 7

"Queen Elizabeth Is A Man!"



Strange little thought, here.

I sometimes wish that I had a medieval torture rack in which to stretch myself out while I slept. I bring this up because I’ve been experiencing throbbing leg pain for the past few weeks, and I can only compare it to the pain I felt as a teenager experiencing growth spurts due to Puberty.

The pain of your legs stretching and growing at night is almost unbearable. Remember the transformation scene from An American Werewolf In London? For a lot of guys like me that experienced rapid and fierce growth spurts, this was essentially reality, and I’m nervous that I may actually be experiencing it again. The only thing that subsides the pain is to stretch myself out as far as possible, in order to temporarily relieve the tension. I’m in perfect health, I walk and jog daily, and I experience no leg pain or twitching whatsoever during the course of the day; just when I’m trying to sleep. A head-scratcher if there ever was one.

Are normal people supposed to resume growing height-wise at the age of 27? What if I go through the same spurt I did between 8th Grade and Freshman year, when I sprouted 6 inches in three months? I can’t afford a brand new wardrobe; I may have to start freebasing meth for the sole purpose of stunting my growth.

This paranoia of suddenly growing taller reached a fever pitch the other day when I put my normally-loose-fitting jeans on and noticed that they were significantly more snug than normal. I hit the roof. “I knew it!” I exclaimed. “The transformation has begun again! I’m as good as dead! I’ll be 7 feet tall by the end of Autumn!

I just took those jeans out of the dryer, dumbass,” chimed my reassuring, yet terse wife.

It seems as if I'm safe; but for how long? Sound off in the comments section and enjoy your day.


(LISTEN UP! The Communist Dance Party is inching ever closer to Post #1000! As part of the festivities, the CDP will devote the entire week of August 17-21 to answering any and all questions you may have about the Little Blog That Could. So think of something you've always wanted to ask about Ryan J. Zeinert or theCDP.net, post or send it to communistdance@yahoo.com, and wait until the week of August 17 for the answer. You can stay anonymous and can ask as many questions as you want. Thanks in advance!)

Thursday, August 6

No, Jesus Couldn't Tap.



You may know by now that I’m a big Mixed-Martial Arts (MMA) fan. MMA, and the Ultimate Fighting Championship in particular, has skyrocketed in popularity over the last 7 years, bringing with them a whole slew of new endorsements, products and clothing to appeal to the modern MMA fan.

One item in particular is geared towards the Christian MMA enthusiast; a clothing line entitled ‘Jesus Didn’t Tap.’ I figure the shirts are designed to promote the Christian lifestyle and recognize the sacrifice Christ made for our sins (if you believe in that sort of thing), all while showing you’re a badass at the same time. No problem here.

My issue is logic. The phrase ‘Jesus Didn’t Tap’ is supposed to mean that He never surrendered, never gave up, gave His dying breath for what He believed in and what He was destined to do. Hardcore stuff. But let’s be honest, here. Jesus couldn’t have tapped. His hands were nailed to a board! Hell, he could have been trying to submit to beat the band, for all we know.

All I'm saying is that, until all the facts are in, we should change the name from 'Jesus Didn't Tap' to 'Jesus Couldn't Tap.' Just something to think about.

Sound off in the comments section and enjoy your day.


(LISTEN UP! The Communist Dance Party is inching ever closer to Post #1000! As part of the festivities, the CDP will devote the entire week of August 17-21 to answering any and all questions you may have about the Little Blog That Could. So think of something you've always wanted to ask about Ryan J. Zeinert or theCDP.net, post or send it to communistdance@yahoo.com, and wait until the week of August 17 for the answer. You can stay anonymous and can ask as many questions as you want. Thanks in advance!)

Wednesday, August 5

The Ball Is In Your Court, Underneath Your Clothes.



Dear Shakira,

Look, let’s just cut to the chase here.

I can feel the primal attraction between us, and I know you can feel it too. So why don’t we cut the tension and just get it over with already. You know we’ll both feel a lot better once we’ve gotten it out of the way. I’ll leave the patio door unlocked; you’ll know what to do.

Sincerely,
theCDP.


(LISTEN UP! The Communist Dance Party is inching ever closer to Post #1000! As part of the festivities, the CDP will devote the entire week of August 17-21 to answering any and all questions you may have about the Little Blog That Could. So think of something you've always wanted to ask about Ryan J. Zeinert or theCDP.net, post or send it to communistdance@yahoo.com, and wait until the week of August 17 for the answer. You can stay anonymous and can ask as many questions as you want. Thanks in advance!)

Tuesday, August 4

John Cusack Will Usher In The Apocalypse.



Hi there.

If you are one of the many believers of the Mayan Calendar Doomsday Scenario, which states that the World will come to an end on or around 12/12/12, I would like you to do me a personal favor. Take all of your money out of the bank, all of your possessions, liquid assets and everything else that you’ll soon have absolutely no need for, and send them to the following address:

theCDP.
PO Box 865
Sun Prairie, WI
53590

You’ll be glad you did. Enjoy your last three years. Sound off in the comments section and enjoy your day.


(LISTEN UP! The Communist Dance Party is inching ever closer to Post #1000! As part of the festivities, the CDP will devote the entire week of August 17-21 to answering any and all questions you may have about the Little Blog That Could. So think of something you've always wanted to ask about Ryan J. Zeinert or theCDP.net, post or send it to communistdance@yahoo.com, and wait until the week of August 17 for the answer. You can stay anonymous and can ask as many questions as you want. Thanks in advance!)

Monday, August 3

I'm A Millionaire, And All I Had To Do Was Almost Die!



Each day when I get home from work and watch Jeopardy, I see the same enticing commercials for personal injury lawyers. Ad after ad, I see actor-portrayed testimonials from people that were awarded anywhere from $100,000 to 10 million dollars to settle their personal injury claims.

This is the real deal; these sorts of things happen every day. My issue lies with the actors, and the idea that we’re to believe these people are now living the high life since they contacted the right attorney and made a huge payday. It’s always some smug, grinning prick standing in front of a Ferrari waving a handful of cash like it’s a commercial for a Get Rich Quick scheme. Like we’re somehow supposed to be jealous that we haven’t had the good fortune to paralyze ourselves on the slick floor of a McDonalds bathroom.

I’ve got news for you. If we were to see the actual person that was awarded 10 million dollars in a personal injury lawsuit, none of us would trade places with them. You don’t get a court to award you eight figures unless there are multiple corpses or permanent retardation involved. End of story.

Sound off in the comments section and enjoy your day.


(LISTEN UP! The Communist Dance Party is inching ever closer to Post #1000! As part of the festivities, the CDP will devote the entire week of August 17-21 to answering any and all questions you may have about the Little Blog That Could. So think of something you've always wanted to ask about Ryan J. Zeinert or theCDP.net, post or send it to communistdance@yahoo.com, and wait until the week of August 17 for the answer. You can stay anonymous and can ask as many questions as you want. Thanks in advance!)