Thursday, July 9Rimshot Thursday.
(NOTE: While authorities continue to search for the recently-missing Ryan J. Zeinert, the CDP will be publishing previously unreleased and 'lost' content from his vast archives in his absence. The following contest was found on a flash drive Mr. Zeinert had left behind; it also contained a 'treasure map' that lead to a local Arby's, over 30 as of yet impossible-to-create flavors of Dairy Queen 'Blizzards,' and what can only be described as the most poorly executed idea for a sitcom since 'My Mother The Car.')
Today is Rimshot Thursday, which means that I'd like you to come up with as many punchlines as possible for the following line and post them in the comments section:
"I like my coffee the same way I like my women/men..."
Here are a few to get you started:
"...thick, black and cheap."
"...young and stupid."
Have fun, be creative and enjoy your day.
Wednesday, July 8No More Entertainment #9 - A Lifetime Of Albums.
(NOTE: While authorities continue to search for the recently-missing Ryan J. Zeinert, the CDP will be publishing previously unreleased and 'lost' content from his vast archives in his absence. The following list was found on a flash drive Mr. Zeinert had left behind; it also contained a Christmas wishlist from 1996, an unfinished 'erotic' screenplay and an autobiographical obituary written as if Zeinert had somehow become President of the United States.)
A quick list of my favorite album for each year I've been alive (27 years). Make that 32 albums, as I couldn't make my mind up for a handful of them.
Violent Femmes - Violent Femmes - 1982
Everything Falls Apart – Husker Du - 1983
The Smiths – The Smiths - 1984
Flip Your Wig – Husker Du - 1985
Reign In Blood – Slayer - 1986
Pleased To Meet Me – The Replacements - 1987
It Takes A Nation Of Millions To Hold Us Back – Public Enemy – 1988
Disintegration – The Cure - 1989
Energy – Operation Ivy - 1989
Allroy Saves – ALL - 1990
Loveless – My Bloody Valentine - 1991
Rage Against The Machine – Rage Against The Machine - 1992
Siamese Dream – Smashing Pumpkins – 1993
Dookie – Green Day - 1994
Weezer – Weezer - 1994
Insomniac – Green Day - 1995
Pinkerton – Weezer – 1996
Whatever And Ever Amen – Ben Folds Five – 1997
Hello Rockview – Less Than Jake - 1998
In The Aeroplane Over The Sea – Neutral Milk Hotel – 1998
Something To Write Home About – The Get Up Kids - 1999
Through Being Cool – Saves The Day - 1999
Relationship Of Command – At The Drive-In – 2000
Stay What You Are – Saves The Day - 2001
The Moon Is Down – Further Seems Forever - 2001
For Young Electric Pop! – Polysics – 2002
Reconstruction Site – The Weakerthans - 2003
Funeral – Arcade Fire - 2004
Illinois – Sufjan Stevens – 2005
Audition – POS - 2006
Neon Bible – Arcade Fire - 2007
Stay Positive – The Hold Steady – 2008
Sound off in the comments section, include your 'Lifetime Of Albums' and enjoy your day.
Tuesday, July 7No More Entertainment #8 - Top 30 Comedians.
(NOTE: While authorities continue to search for the recently-missing Ryan J. Zeinert, the CDP will be publishing previously unreleased and 'lost' content from his vast archives in his absence. The following list was found on a flash drive Mr. Zeinert had left behind; it also contained embarrassing song lyrics, unappetizing cocktail recipes and several proposed nicknames that he was attempting to get people to pick up in reference to him.)
A quick list of my 30 favorite stand-up comics:
30. Jerry Seinfeld
29. Dana Carvey
28. Tommy Tiernan
27. Demitri Martin
26. David Cross
25. Daniel Tosh
24. Jim Gaffigan
23. Richard Belzer
22. Woody Allen
21. Eddie Izzard
20. Joe Rogan
19. Rodney Dangerfield
18. Dave Chapelle
17. Mort Sahl
16. Mitch Hedberg
15. Stephen Wright
14. Dave Attell
13. Eddie Murphy
12. Bill Maher
11. Bob Newhart
10. Brian Regan
9. Doug Stanhope
8. Bill Cosby
7. Richard Pryor
6. Louis C.K.
5. Andy Kaufman
4. Patton Oswalt
3. Chris Rock
2. Bill Hicks
1. George Carlin
Sound off in the comments section, poop on my sense of humor, call me a misogynist for not including any female comics and enjoy your day.
Monday, July 6The Communist Search Party.
Beloved Writer Snaps, Disappears.
Award-winning author and blogger Ryan J. Zeinert has been reported missing since the early hours of July 5.
No more than a week after deleting his Facebook account on the evening of June 26, it appears as if Zeinert, creator of the humor blog ‘The CDP,’ suffered a traumatizing anxiety attack, causing him to strip off his clothes and scatter wildly into the Nature Preserve located near his home in Sun Prairie, Wisconsin. He has not yet been located, but is presumed to be alive and sweaty, traveling with a small pack of coyotes that frequent the area.
Rumors have surfaced concerning the cause of Zeinert’s recent mental difficulties. These range from crippling OCD, a ‘shameful’ caffeine addiction, or as a way to somehow avoid paying off the remainder of his student loans, which now number in the low seven-figures.
Rampant egotism and questionable anger management skills could have also played a sizable role.
Zeinert, a State employee, husband, cat owner and Civil War-era Barbecue Sauce historian, had been reported as acting ‘a little off’ in the weeks leading up to his disappearance. His wife Celia, notes that drastic changes in his behavior caused concern, such as laughing out loud during episodes of the television series Scrubs, taking a newfound interest in Lo-Fi music, and making seemingly incoherent cultural statements, such as, “I don’t know…Jim Belushi seems like a funny enough guy.”
“That Belushi thing was a red flag for me,” said an openly-weeping Celia. “Towards the end…I didn’t even know who he was anymore.”
Other members of Zeinert’s family voiced their concerns.
“He has little-to-no experience in the wild, or anything outdoors, really,” quotes his mother, Tami. “If he didn’t remember his sunscreen, we might as well start selling his comic book collection off right now, [be]cause he’s never coming back.”
Zeinert, a legally-recognized albino with a medically-untraceable amount of natural skin pigment, will have to deal with unseasonably-warm temperatures throughout the month of July if he is to somehow survive the elements. “He probably just did this to get out of going to the Flag Parade with me downtown,” said his wife. “He’s always doing selfish [things] like that.”
“What an asshole,” she added.
If Zeinert surfaces or any updates should arise, they will be posted here immediately.