Friday, February 27

Lost Friday - "The Life And Death Of Jeremy Bentham."


Season 5 - Episode 7: "The Life And Death Of Jeremy Bentham."

Once again, Lost Friday is upon us. We have much to discuss...quickly.

I'll be cutting you loose a little early today, for two main reasons. One, I'm currently packing my bags for a mini-vacation to Minnesota. I'll be back on Tuesday, and I hope to spend a relaxing four days sleeping, shopping, drinking, writing and all the other things that I normally do at my house for free.

Secondly, this episode was amazing! Since Day One, I've always adored Locke-centric episodes, due to the fact that not only is Terry O'Quinn a tremendous actor, but the character of John Locke is honestly the most tragic in television history. His awful life plays out like a Shakespeare play; just his story alone would have made for a fantastic TV show. It's no wonder that he wants to stay on the Island so bad; look what happens whenever he's on the mainland.

Let's go.


(Hey, you know what this show could really use? This guy! This guy is exactly what this show needs right now. A guy that looks, talks and acts just like this guy. Man, I love this guy. From the first moment, where I saw him acknowledge Jack in the airport for approximately three seconds, I said to myself, I said, "Self, it sure would be nice if we could see more of this guy, because I think he's just the tops." That's what I said to myself about this guy.)


(Why You Should Smoke After Every Meal - Page 60)
(Why Women Shouldn't Have Jobs - Page 48)
(Why Colored People Smell Funny - Page 88)
(Why Children Should Be Beaten After Every Meal - Page 61)


("With his HoverRound, John Locke is free to see the world!")


(Stephen Hawking's grocery list.)


("Hour 36 of listening to 'We Built This City' on a constant loop - Subject is delirious; practically begging for death.")


(Becoming a fake Canadian is the best thing that's ever happened to Locke off of the Island. Personally, I like how Americans constantly piss on and mock Canada...until we get a President in office that we don't like. That's when Canada suddenly becomes this heavenly refuge of peace and fairness that we threaten to move to every other week.)


(The long-awaited sequel to 'Driving Miss Daisy,' 'Driving Mr. Locke.')


("Sorry, John. The only man I answer to now is Jimmy Carter.")


(Could it be? Could it really be? Is it? It IS! It's...it's...)


("WWWWWWAAAAALLLLLLLT!!!!!")


(Abbad0WN3D!)


("Well, let's see how my progress has been going so far. Sayid said no, Kate thinks I'm insane, Hurley thinks I'm a ghost, my driver got murdered and I was just in a serious car accident. So far, so good.")


("JACK YOU DONT UNDERSTAND BEN LEFT AND SPUN THIS WHEEL AND SENT THE ISLAND THROUGH TIME AND EVERYONES IN TROUBLE AND EVERYONES GOT BLOODY NOSES AND I HAVE TO SAVE EVERYBODY BY BRINGING EVERYONE BACK SO I BROKE MY LEG AND SPUN THE WHEEL AND THEN WIDMORE GAVE ME A PASSPORT AND THE GUY FROM FRINGE TO DRIVE ME AROUND BUT THEN HE GOT SHOT TEN TIMES AND YOU GOTTA BELIEVE ME!")


("Don't you ever...EVER...say that to me again. Reese Witherspoon is a wonderful actress and a national treasure; end of story.")


("I can't live in a world without BSG, so I won't even try.")

So ends another week of Lost Friday. Sound off in the comments section, tell your friends and enjoy your weekend. In case you missed them, here are links to every Lost Friday so far this season.

Have a good one, and....be here Monday.

Season 5 - Episode 1/2 Review.
Season 5 - Episode 4 Review.
Season 5 - Episode 5 Review.
Season 5 - Episode 6 Review.

Wednesday, February 25

Mayors Of Brantford, Ontario.



We here at CDP World Headquarters try our best to keep our fingers on the pulse of young America: The current trends, Internet Phenomenons, lulz0rz or what have you. The following meme was e-mailed to me by CDP Network alumni and all-around good guy, Mike, and I got such a kick out of it that I had to share it with you.

But before we get to it, please check out that title photo again, because I worked on the damn thing for at least an hour. As you can surmise, my Photoshop skills lie in between that of an autistic baby, and your average, garden-variety hobo.

"Create Your Fantasy Band Name & Album Cover."

1 - Go to Wikipedia and hit "Random:"
The first random Wikipedia article you get is the name of your band.

2 - Go to Quotations Page and hit "Random Quotations:"
The last four or five words of the last quote on the page is the title of your first album.

3 - Go to Flickr and hit "Explore The Last Seven Days:"
The third picture, no matter what it is, will be your album cover.

4 - If you have the time, spend five minutes in Photoshop and mash it all together.

It's quick, easy and fun. I especially appreciated my random selections, as they actually created an album that I wish existed:



Seriously, I have like, a dozen albums that are dead ringers for this thing. It's got Jade Tree written all over it.

So check it out, have a little fun and enjoy your day. Lost Friday returns with a vengeance next.

Monday, February 23

The Basement Treadmill Of The New Millenium.



Wii Fit
was going to save my life.

Like most, I instantly heralded Wii Fit as a brilliant masterstroke, along with the fine, efficient Japanese workhorses responsible for such an ingenious and useful product. After all, here was a video game conglomerate using its powers for good. Inventing the cardio-friendly Wii wasn’t enough on its own; they actually went the extra step and attempted (and succeeded) to make exercising super fun and original.

It was, for me, one of the brightest spots of 2008. While American car companies were busy blowing smoke up our asses about going Green, while simultaneously begging for billions because they missed the Green Boat years ago and watched their consumers turn away from a fleet of obsolete automobiles, here was a multi-billion dollar company that saw an open and evolved market, tackled it in a new and exciting way, and also slimmed down a few fat-ass gamers in the process. Wii Fit was a success in every possible way.

I purchased Wii Fit mere days after it was released. In an almost identical fashion as to how I stumbled upon a Wii, I was in the right place at the right time, threw it into my cart and hit the road. Wii Fit was going to change me. It was going to save me the cash of buying into a Health Club, save me the burden of packing a duffel bag and leaving my home, track my progress, whip me back into fighting shape and be a whole lot of fun in the interim. $100 well spent, if you asked me.

My first week with Wii Fit was a complete success. I plowed through the Yoga poses, mastered the balance games, jogged in place, worked up a sweat and lost nearly three pounds in the first eight days. I had an after-work routine in place, and much like the first week spent in a Health Club, I felt extremely good about myself. I finally found something I could stick to; something that worked for me.

Almost a year removed now, and Wii Fit sits underneath my television, nearly as new as the day I bought it. Apart from two unrelated and random workout sessions (including one that took place while I was eating a slice of thick-crust Domino’s pizza), I haven’t touched the thing since the first week I bought it, and I’m not alone.

Human beings like the idea of Change. We love planning for Change; we love fantasizing about the end results of said Change, but tend to forget about the middle part which requires the most effort. We’re more than happy to throw hundreds of dollars at the Health Club membership, the jogging outfit, the new shoes, the water bottle and iPod; but when the time comes to put that preparation and positive attitude towards…you know…the thing that gets you from Point A to Point B, we tend to lose steam and once again attempt to determine the Path of Least Resistance. After all, preparation for positive change is the funnest part.

We all certainly know how to spend money. Spending money is easy, and we love finding excuses to do it; excuses that make us feel like we’re accomplishing something noble. In this case, a new iPod or track shoes won’t suck the belly fat off of our torsos or tuck the second chin back into our necks all on their own, but the idea that they will is present when we justify our rationalizations. After all, if it’s worth doing, it’s worth doing right, right?

In this regard, the Wii Fit tucked under the television is the Basement Treadmill of the New Millennium. The Bowflex that we hang our clothes on. The NordicTrack that we sold at a garage sale for $20, which now sits unused in someone else’s’ basement. And why? Was it because we lacked the self-control and determination needed to commit to an act as difficult and tedious as weight loss and muscle conditioning? Was it because we realized early that we were in way over our heads; that we didn’t fully realize how much we had to break our irresponsible daily routines to make way for such dedication?

Well, of course not.

Besides, it’s Wii Fit’s fault for not planning our exercises and scheduling everything out for us like a real-life Personal Trainer would. Taking away the variables of variety and allowing us to slack. Not literally pulling us off of the couch and onto the Balance Board. Calling us obese when we first stepped onto the scale. Not our fault, nope. Besides, I don’t have time for this. I need to look for instant results; I’ve heard that getting your stomach stapled can be done on an outpatient basis now!

This is typical, normal, and indicative of moments we’ve all probably experienced at least a dozen times. It doesn’t mean that you’re a loser or quitter (well, it kind of does, I guess); it just means that you weren’t up to that particular challenge at that particular time. Maybe another time, maybe a slightly different challenge. Hey, if it needs to be done, it’ll get done. Millions of years of Human Evolution have brought us to this point; we’re a versatile bunch and we’ll damn sure rise to any challenge…eventually.

Most of us- not all of us, but most- have a basement treadmill. A Wii Fit that’s still in the box. Some sort of glaring monument to our lack of commitment to something that, at one time, seemed so important to us. Something we’ve turned our backs on because it was too difficult. Because our priorities have changed. Because we stopped caring. Because we’ve lacked the determination and foresight to maintain an eye on the eventual goal.

One of the reasons that we’re so prone to turn our backs on something we’ve failed at is to save face. After all, who wants to admit personal defeat? The frustration here lies not in the money spent on a toy that’s not being used, but the embarrassment in knowing that the toy reminded you of your shortcomings as a person. We don’t like to be reminded of that stuff, and rightfully so. Who would want to admit that they’re just not motivated and determined enough to lose the weight, quit smoking, become a better spouse or merely lay off the meth a squinch? After all the effort, all the optimistic, borderline-delusional glimpses into our future, to fall short is usually too much of a bummer to revel in for an extended period of time, so we just make a pithy excuse and move on to our next project. And why wouldn’t we? It’s an instinctual defense mechanism; I’m not going to let a goddamn toy remind me that I’m weak. I’ll return it and buy a game that I can win. I’m still in charge, here.

In these instances, we’ve been taught that this is the precise difference between winners and losers in Life. Losers do exactly what I described: make an excuse for their shortcomings, tuck tail and run. While winners do the opposite and valiantly fight back, persevere and shine through. They throw the cigarettes in the trash. They flush the cookies and meth down the toilet. They strap on the sweatbands and make that Balance Board their Prison Bitch for the next eight months straight. Truth is, however, it ain’t that black and white. There can be a certain degree of nobility in quitting, and there can also be failure in the perception of individual success.

The perfect personal example that springs to my mind was my big health kick of 2007. After competing (and totally succeeding) in my first 10K run in 2006 (on a last-minute dare, I might add), I realized that not only was I able to knock out anything that I could put my mind and body into, but that I was kinda sorta good at it, too. So in 2007, I literally hit the pavement running, armed with the optimistic knowledge that I’ve seen the top of the mountain once before, and I could probably do it again in half the time with the proper motivation.

A month later, and I was diagnosed with shin splints in both legs, and a fractured tibia that I actually ran three miles on before completely blowing it out during a 5K. From that day forward, there’s still considerable pain in my ankles when any pressure is applied, and my running days are as good as over. Like it or not, I’m probably never going to be able to compete in distance running ever again; something that I was once pretty good at. So I threw the track shoes and jogging pants into the closet and moved on, happy as a Christmas Clam that I pushed myself that far and saw what I was made of. It wasn’t the happiest ending imaginable, but I emerged from the fiasco stronger than ever, based solely on the fact that I went outside of my comfort zone (and straight into Physical Therapy and an MRI machine). I failed miserably on an external level, but boosted my confidence and self-faith exponentially.

So, what’s the point, here? What’s to be learned from these experiences; these little tests of self-will? Is it about picking your battles wisely, or merely the lessons learned from their outcomes? Probably a little bit of both, provided you at least make a concerted effort to take something positive away from every success or failure.

You know me pretty well by now. My entire life (and subsequently, my entire writing career) has been about making mistakes and learning from them. Stumbling ass-first into bad luck and attempting to laugh it off. Bruising up the ego a bit, but remaining intact as a constantly evolving human being. I’ll be the first to admit that it’s all one huge defense mechanism set in place to keep me from stepping in front of a cement mixer, but hey, sometimes that’s all we have.

So, here comes the part of the essay where I attempt to tie this in somehow with the Inauguration of our new President, and the current message of self-motivation for the long-term outcome of positive national and global change.

Let’s be real. We probably won’t live to see an Earth that somehow got Global Warming under control through a massive Tipping Point concerning major ecological and environmental breakthroughs. We probably won’t live to see an Earth where things like racism, homophobia and ethnic stereotyping become truly obsolete, instead of merely ignored (and don’t pretend it’s not). For you agnostics and atheists out there, we certainly won’t live to see an Earth where the irrelevance of un-evolved religions are left in the Stone Age, ushering us into a veritable Renaissance of culture, forward thinking and global peace. For these reasons alone, it may seem for some like a waste of time to venture along this rough evolutionary path, knowing full well that we’ll never be able to visualize and reap the fruits of our labor. Just do whatever makes you feel good and doesn’t hurt anyone in the process. Live your life, take care of your family, and that’s it.

But it has to start somewhere. It has to start sometime. What better place than here? What better time than now? Rage Against The Machine was right, man! Why didn’t we appreciate them before they broke up and kind of got back together again when the royalty checks ran dry? Damn!

Look, we’re a nation of nearly a billion people, and it’s almost frightening how easy it is to make a drastic difference and change the perception of the majority. Hell, depending on what you believe, you probably represent the majority right about now (and believe me, I feel just as uncomfortable about that as you do, assuredly). Not to get too philosophical and sentimental here, but on Inauguration Tuesday, I felt as if I finally saw the official beginning of the 21st Century. The New Millennium, to me, finally began in January of 2009, and it brought with it the idea that in the face of failure and uncertainty, there were lessons to be learned and optimism to be mined from their experiences. Still no jetpacks or Hamburger Earmuffs, but I feel like we’re finally in the Future that I envisioned as a kid.

And quite frankly, I very much preferred the symbolic start of the 21st Century in comparison to the actual January 1 of 2000, which found me vomitous, reeking of vodka and passed out on a filthy mattress in an unfinished basement after being duct-taped to a hot water pipe. True, sad story.

I’m going to wrap this up before the preaching gets any thicker than it already is, but I’ll say that things never evolve if they never up and fail. Things never change if you ignore them and take them for granted. The Wii Fit can’t help you if it’s tucked underneath the television; the treadmill can’t help you if it’s in the basement; the major changes that we want to see made in our world can’t happen if we just assume that someone’s handling it for us. If you fail, you fail. At least you know what you were capable of. This life isn’t a dress rehearsal; if there’s something you’ve always wanted to do, but for whatever reason, abandoned it out of fear of failure or situational apathy, why not now to try again?

Spring is coming. Do something. Anything. It doesn’t matter how insignificant it appears.

Me? I’m pulling the Wii Fit back out.