Friday, May 2I Read Canned Heat's Entire Wikipedia Page.
In an attempt to find out what the longest recorded song in popular music history was, I inadvertently read the entire Wikipedia biography of Canned Heat; one of my least-favorite and most-hated bands of all-time.
I had heard that Canned Heat recorded a 40 minute version of one of their songs on the B-side to a double live album; surely a top contender in the realm of lengthily-recorded modern music. Approximately 30 to 45 minutes later, I had accidentally learned more about these backwoods oafs than I ever wanted to know. In fact, I'm terrified to know what vital knowledge was squeezed out of my brain to make room for this new and unwanted trivial information.
You win this round, Canned Heat. But the battle shall rage on. Sound off in the comments section and enjoy your weekend.
Wednesday, April 30A Ziploc Bag Full Of Chocolate Chip Cookies.
Yesterday, as I was packing my lunch for work, I threw in a Ziploc bag full of chocolate chip cookies. I had purchased a tub of the soft, silver dollar-sized cookies from the market last week, and thought they would bridge the Hunger Gap between lunch and when I leave for the day. This gap is normally bridged by either a Twix or vending machine egg salad, both of which usually lead to me spending the better part of the afternoon on the toilet.
I have a tender tummy.
I'm typically a creature of habit when it comes to my meals, but I've been taking strides to not eat out for lunch so much, as it's bankrupting me and making me heart attack-y and chubby (I'm this close to having to buy Medium-sized shirts). I needed to find a way to spice up my lunchtime routine, and the Ziploc bag full of chocolate chip cookies would be a perfect tonic to my monotony.
As my workday trudged forth, I forgot all about the Ziploc bag. I was so bogged down with phone calls, meetings and paperwork, that it became a distant memory. So when 2:30pm rolled around, and I pulled open my desk drawer to look for a Sharpie, imagine my shock when I rediscovered the Ziploc bag full of chocolate chip cookies, shining like a white-collar beacon in my otherwise dreary day. My eyes lit up, and I leapt at the bag like Dobby the House Elf snatching a bag of gold coins. What a delightfully grand surprise!
As I sat there, shoveling the factory-made treats into my maw, I became intensely self-aware as to how funny the situation was. Here I was, at the relatively young age of 26, sitting in a cubicle at a State office, wearing tan khakis and a polo shirt, cramming cookies down my throat like they were the antidote to all of my abject misery and depression.
When I was six years old, it would have taken a Nintendo Entertainment System to instill this much joy in me. When I was 17, I'm quite certain that there was nothing on Earth that would have made me as happy as I was at this moment. Everything I've worked for, everything I've learned and all the strides I've made as a man and a member of the human race have boiled down to this; damn-near whizzing my pants at the forgotten prospect of eating a Ziploc bag full of chocolate chip cookies. As image-conscious as I normally am, it was probably one of the saddest revelations of my life.
I started laughing. Hard. After all, it was pretty hilarious, and it sure beat crying. I couldn't keep my mouth shut; crumbs and bits of chocolate chip were spilling down the front of my shirt. That only made me laugh harder. I started wheezing and snorting through my nose, eventually dropping the bag into the trash and busting into an all-out guffaw that attracted the attention of those around me. Tears welled up in my eyes and I took in the absurdity and triviality of the Human Experience.
In less than a minute, I had learned a powerful life lesson. I also had a mess to clean up.
Don't be embarrassed of what makes you happy. Even if it's just a Ziploc bag full of chocolate chip cookies, dig your fat ass in and enjoy the moment. It doesn't matter what you look like, it doesn't matter how much money you make and it doesn't matter what you thought this life was going to bring you, rest assured that this is all we have, and waiting for any other joy to arrive will be considered a waste when the last page is turned, I promise.
Happiness is a cookie. Happiness is getting five green lights in a row on your way to work. Take the time to admire the sadness in the realization that it's the honest truth, then allow yourself to enjoy it with every fiber of your being.
Let the crumbs fall down your shirt; you deserve it.
Monday, April 28Lost Monday - "The Shape Of Things To Come."
Season 4 - Episode 9: "The Shape Of Things To Come."
After a short hiatus, Lost, Lost Monday and the CDP itself has returned for glory and gentle kisses. We have much to discuss; it's good to be back.
I decided to take last week off for a number of reasons, the most honest being that I was getting sick of hearing myself talk. The egotistical nature of Bloggers (well, the good ones, at least) dictates that they always have to be their own biggest fan, and that just wasn't happening, what with my busy schedule outside of the CDP and short posts and whatnot. That, coupled with my freelance work and an upcoming home purchase, made it clear that I needed to take a few days for myself. I don't remember if I've ever done that before, and it felt pretty decent. Maybe I'll do it again in five years.
Still, I was busy last week. On Tuesday, I cleaned out a filing cabinet that had been silently and willfully collecting every slip of paper me and the Missus have ever seen for the last six years. Every receipt, every check stub, every service warranty and every letter ever addressed to us had been stuffed into that poor thing, and two garbage bags later, the nightmare was over. However, if you happen to be in a Madison landfill and come across a giant Hefty bag full of personal and vital information concerning the identity and credit history of a certain author and humorist named Ryan J. Zeinert, do the right thing and leave it alone. You don't want my life, I can assure you.
On Wednesday, me and the Missus headed to the Sundance Theatre for the Lost Pub Quiz. My team (Named 'WAAAALLLLT!!!') ended up finishing 4th out of about 15 squads, which was a disappointment, but also a triumph considering the sheer amount of nerditude emanating from that building. I got to meet the alluring, bubbly and well-scrubbed Emily Mills, drank a little too much Jameson and gorged on sweet potato fries. No matter what the theme of the quiz is, it always ends the same for me; drunk, angry, sweaty and finishing 4th (although not necessarily in that order). I'm officially retiring from the Pub Quiz effective immediately, for my own good, and for the good of my wife and close friends.
Whatever, you damn nerds; I still get paid to write about Lost, so suck it.
(Jack Shepard. Doctor. Hero. Mildly Retarded.)
On Thursday, I ventured to Milwaukee for a date with one of my favorite hardcore-turned-emo-turned-Elephant 6-turned angry-turned-confused bands of all-time, Saves The Day. I also got to see Cargirl there (I got to say hello to two different CDP Alumni in back-to-back nights! Rapture!), and drunkenly yell in her ear for at least three hours. The six Captain Morgan and Cokes that I sucked back had an annoying effect on me; as Rum makes me goofy and caffeine makes me a babbling fool. I apologize to anyone that had to listen to me ramble that night, and special thanks to Benjamin for driving me home, Cargirl for being a sweetheart and Sherry for not spilling her burrito in the backseat of my spotless car.
One of the opening bands for Saves The Day was Metro Station, a band that featured a guy by the name of Trace Cyrus on guitar and backup vocals. I just now realized that he is the older brother of Miley Cyrus, who is best known as the face of the unspeakably popular and wealthy Hannah Montana franchise. And his dad is Billy-Ray Cyrus! How cool is that? I'd rip on him, but they were actually pretty catchy and non-threatening, as I had assumed they would be.
Put on your bib, it's time for The Thick & Meaty!
ON THE BEACH.
Kate opens the show with some side-boob teasing, as Jack tries to pretend that his appendix isn't about to burst out the side of his abdomen. The dead body of the Freighter's doctor washes ashore with his throat slit, and when questioned, Daniel once again speaks in fruity prose and riddles.
If I could kill one character before the Season 4 finale, I can't think of a better candidate than Daniel. He talks like a coked-up Yoda. Just complete a normal sentence, ya' jittery douche!
When Daniel is forced to send a Morse Code message back to the Freighter, he lies about the response he receives. According to the Freighter, the doctor is safe and sound on the boat. Fortunately, Bernard is a former Eagle Scout, and calls him onto the table for his shenanigans. Daniel reveals that it was never their intention to rescue anyone from the island, and Jack's intestines pop out at the revelation.
AT THE BARRACKS.
(Even dentists like Bernard suffer from TMJ every now and again.)
The captain of the freighter, along with a few of his camouflage-clad dirtbags pop a cap into Karl and Rousseau, and are now holding Alex hostage as leverage to capture Benjamin. As it would appear, Ben didn't set those three up at all (score one for pure evil!). The captors make Alex disarm the sonic fence surrounding the barracks, which she does...sort of.
In fact, she sent a distress call that alerted the Barracks, notably Locke, Sawyer and Hurley. When they check with Ben to see that the warning means, he pulls a shotgun and announces 'They're here!' Wow, I pity the first Jehovah's Witness that knocks on that dude's door.
("You could say that...um...well, speaking coherently is not my...um...primary concern.")
As Sawyer darts over to Claire's cabin to save her, three unnamed castaways get shot and killed, in a scene so comically slapstick that it could have been an homage to the Three Stooges. We all take a second to mourn these complete strangers, and then return to the action. Just when the gunfire and corpses can't cascade any faster, a goddamn RPG slithers into frame, vaporizing Claire's cabin with her inside.
Claire is okay, and just as whiny and annoying as ever. Sawyer gets her back into Locke's cabin with the rest, and Miles arrives with a walkie in which to communicate with the Freighter's captain. Initially, Ben wishes not to speak with Keamy, but finds out that Alex has been taken prisoner. After some wordplay and general weener waving between Keamy and Benjamin, Keamy has heard enough of Ben's heel-dragging and shoots Alex dead.
What a bastard. In fact, this was such a total dick more on the part of Keamy, that he wins the first-ever Lost Monday 'Jerk Of The Week' Award.
Congrats, you worthless asshole. Rest assured, however, that Keamy will receive swift and brutal retaliation in just a few minutes.
Benjamin, in total shock, utters the phrase, "He changed the rules," and retreats to a secret room, containing a stone wall covered with hieroglyphics. Some time later, he shows back up, looking like he just changed the oil in his car. He orders everyone to run into the forest, presumably into incoming gunfire. As the castaways start to question his judgment, the Smoke Monster, larger and angrier than we've ever seen, bursts in and seemingly tears the gunmen to shreds. As the survivors head out into the forest, Ben takes a moment to say goodbye to his daughter (that he kidnapped from Rousseau as a baby and has kept prisoner for 17 years).
This most recent Smoke Monster appearance was pretty awesome. I mean, we've seen it do some crazy things in the past, like eviscerate the Pilot, bash Mr. Eko to pieces against a tree, and attempt to suck Locke into an abyss, but it sure seemed on a direct mission this time. Also, it seems logical to theorize that it can be controlled by whatever Benjamin was doing in his secret bunker (the island has hundreds of them; apparently the Dharma folk were a paranoid bunch). This brings us to this week's 5 Awesome Things.
5 Awesome Things...You Could Do With Your Own Personal Smoke Monster.
1. Cut your morning commute to the office in half. Or, just cut your office in half.
2. No more Girl Scouts, trick-or-treaters and solicitors to your home. Ever.
3. Tree and stump removal at a fraction of the cost.
4. Stop the war in Iraq and execute the President for his crimes, all in less than 18 seconds.
5. See to it that none of Brett Favre's quarterback records are ever broken.
Yeah, I agree with you; it wasn't that funny of a list this week. Oh well, back to the Thick & Meaty.
Locke and Ben need Hurley to come with them, as they believe he knows the location of Jacob's cabin. I guess they need further instruction from Jacob, and Sawyer is having none of it. He, Miles, Claire and Aaron are heading back to the beach. They exchange quick pecks on the cheek and go on their separate ways.
(The doctor tried to operate on his own thyroid.)
Benjamin wakes up in the middle of the Sahara desert, wearing a parka with a previously-unseen Dharma logo on it. It is at this point, that I fully realize that this is one of the best Lost episodes ever. I mean, come on. Dude just teleported from a Dharma station on the island! Are you kidding me? I guess that explains how he leaves the island, never mind that "I took Desmond's boat" crap that he gives Sayid later on in the episode.
Ben checks into a Tunisian hotel, where he asks the clerk for the year (hilarious!), and spots Sayid on television, hounded by the press, telling them that he 'just wants to bury his wife in peace.' I guess that Sayid worked quick in finding and marrying Nadia when he got off of the island, only to see her killed weeks later. We'll see that story fully explored in Season 5, I assume.
Ben tracks Sayid down, and claims to know who it was that killed his wife. He manages to convince Sayid that it was one of Widmore's men, which sends Sayid into a trademark rage, essentially giving Benjamin his own personal hitman for life. Ben is a guy that's pretty good at getting what he wants; one of the most manipulative and ruthless characters I've ever seen on television, next to Ryan Seacrest.
(Not the guy in the pink shirt! I loved that guy!)
Sayid, with Ben's help, tracks down and kills the man that (according to Ben) killed his Missus. This is the beginning of a long and beautiful friendship, and it looks as if he'll be killing many more of Widmore's men as the months roll along.
In one of the most important scenes in Lost history as far as mythology and history go, Ben shows up in Charles Widmore's hotel room in the middle of the night. Widmore, who's now speaking with an Australian accent (d'oh!), awakes and listens to Ben accuse him of murdering Alex. Ben then vows to kill Charles' daughter, Penelope, telling him that he'll make him 'wish he hadn't changed the rules.' Widmore counters that Ben will never find her, and that he wants "his" Island back. Ben says he will never find the Island, and that the hunt is on.
Smash cut, episode over. I had almost nothing to make fun of this week; it was damn-near television perfection. Don't get too used to this breakneck pace, however; it's just due to the writers and producers cramming 16 hours worth of season into 13 hours of show. Season Five will be around 19 episodes, and I wouldn't be surprised if almost all of them merely set the stage for the final Sixth Season. That being said, they're making up for Season 3 in a huge way. Bravo.
Enough ego-stroking. Let's Break It Down!
4 - There's a good chance that the jacket Benjamin was wearing during his Sahara Desert excursion was from The Orchid, which appears to be the final Dharma station yet to be revealed. It's probably also the home for all of the time-travel weirdness that seems to be the highlight of Season 4.
Now, this whole 'Ben jumping through space and time' thing brings us to the most recent installment of Question Of The Week.
If You Could Teleport To Anywhere At Any Time On Earth, Where Would It Be?
A. NCAA East Regional Final, 1992. Distract Christian Laettner seconds before his buzzer-beater victory over Kentucky.
B. Nuremberg, Germany, 1928. Kick Adolph Hitler so hard in the balls that he gives up his political aspirations for the quiet life of a needlepoint enthusiast.
C. Skywalker Ranch, 1993 or 1994. Kill George Lucas with a shovel, to prevent him from writing the Star Wars prequels.
D. High School Prom, 1998. Spare yourself that half-bottle of Smirnoff in the limo, so you don't throw up on Christina Cook's shoes during Coronation (this one's mainly just for me).
Of course, the correct answer is E: May 2010. Watch Lost Series Finale and die happy. Now let's continue with Break It Down!
(John McCain takes a lie detector test.)
8 - One of the Bedouin in the Sahara Desert points out how Ben does not have a trail. The other replies, "Where did this guy come from? Down from the sky?" More proof that Ben is teleporting. Bleep gleep glop glorp.
If you recall from last month, I wasn't a huge fan of 'The Constant,' mainly because I didn't like the inclusion of impossible theories like time travel or jumping through space. That all being said, if done correctly, it would explain a lot of things and not seem like too much of a cop out. I can't deny that I thought it was awesome last week, so I'll continue to trust the producers and writers on this one.
15 - When Jack was searching for pills to calm his bursting appendix, he chows down on some Amoxicillin, which makes sense for a doctor to do. Now you know. What I want to know is, how could there possibly be any of that stuff left on the Island? Everyone takes Amoxicillin!
16 - Taken directly from Lostpedia: "This was the first episode of Lost to feature footage filmed outside of the United States. The London scenes between Ben and Charles Widmore were filmed in London due to Alan Dale performing on stage in the West End during filming of the second block of Season 4."
Amazing to think that all of these desolate locations and avenues have all been shot within the good old United States. Wow.
(When your life has been ruined as many times as Sayid's, you pretty much always look like this.)
23 - As it would seem by Ben's trip to his secret lair, he has at least some control over the Smoke Monster. This means that he'll probably be able to offer some insight into it at some point this season (or the next). What's even more badass, though, is that the man keeps a shotgun in his piano bench. I bet Victor Borge did that, too.
42 - At least five people died on camera this week, with approximately another five or six dying off-camera. That has to be some kind of record, even for a show that racks up as many corpses as Lost.
Spoilers ahoy! Cover your eyes! Here comes The Preview!
1. Episode 10 will be titled 'Something Nice back Home,' and it will be Jack-centric. I'm not sure what the 'something nice' is referring to, but it sure as hell better not be Kate. Gahh.
2. The official press release from ABC reads: "When Jack's health is seriously compromised, Kate and Juliet must learn to work together in order to save him; and something goes wrong as Sawyer, Claire, Aaron and Miles continue their trek away from Locke's camp and back to the beach."
3. Expect Jack's appendix to burst, and for Juliet to take charge and attempt to fix him. According to the actress that plays Juliet, "After reading this episode, I realized that Juliet really does truly love him."
4. Flash-forward-wise, this should be a big one, centering around Jack and Kate, mainly between his island rescue and his bearded-emo phase. "We're starting to close the loop on the end of last season," says Matthew Fox. "Jack in the future is a man marked by weakness, but the Jack of the present is strong. You're going to understand how he made that transition."
5. This bit of information comes to us from some on-set troll. "Lost returned to film another scene at the "Santa Rosa Mental Institute." Filming took place inside, with Jorge Garcia and Matthew Fox. But also featured prominently was John Terry (Christian Shepherd). Brief shots were filmed at the clinic's front desk, and inside Dr. Jack Shepherd's office." Rad.
Well, there you have it. Another Lost Monday in the books. Start the discussion in the comments section, send all erotic photography to email@example.com, and enjoy your day. Also, feel free to catch up on the entire Fourth Season of Lost Monday by clicking on the links below. Thanks for reading, nerds.
Lost Monday - Episode 1 Recap.
Lost Monday - Episode 2 Recap.
Lost Monday - Episode 3 Pop Crunch Recap.
Lost Monday - Episode 4 Recap.
Lost Monday - Episode 4 Pop Crunch Recap.
Lost Monday - Episode 5 Recap.
Lost Monday - Episode 6 Recap.
Lost Monday - Episode 7 Recap.