Friday, February 23

Lost Friday - "Stranger In A Strange Land."

Lost Friday - Episode 9.
Season 3 - Episode 9: "Stranger In A Strange Land."

Another Lost Friday is upon us. We have much to discuss.

Or do we?

What happened this week? Did anything happen this week? Beats me, because I started nodding off about halfway through it. I understand that it's always nice to catch our breath after a few weeks of crazy plot advancement, but I'm fairly certain that we did nothing but hang around the house this week. After what happened with Desmond last Wednesday, "Stranger In A Strange Land" paled by comparison.

The ratings have dropped, the timeslot has changed, the story's getting more confusing and less interesting. Perfect.

I'm a believer in giving as much as you get, so I'm only putting as much effort into this week's Lost Friday as I feel the writers of this week's episode have given to me. How biblical.

So, in lieu of the Thick & Meaty, I present to you the Thin & Meager.

Thin & Meager.

FLASHBACKS:

Jack heads to Thailand to 'find himself.' Along the way, he manages to stumble head-first into what has to be the single most beautiful woman in the entire country, named Achara. Jack and Achara begin a tryst that lasts about a month, in which they exchange vegetarian recipes and old episodes of MST3K on VHS.

Jack finds out that Achara is a tattoo artist, mainly because she never has any money and constantly reeks of weed. She claims that she's able to tattoo people with her vision of what kind of person they are. Jack demands to be inked, and Achara obliges, drawing a Gingerbread house on the small of his back. The locals aren't keen on Jack's 'Scamp Stamp,' so they beat the crap out of him and make him leave the country. Soon thereafter, Achara is beamed back to her home planet.

This marks the first time in history that an American doctor has gone to Thailand without having sex with a child.

Achara.
(Hey there, Achara.
Just thought you might want to know
You're an alien.)


ON THE MAIN ISLAND:

Kate and Sawyer are paddling back to shore. Kate wants to go back for Jack. Sawyer says no. Karl mutters and pees his pants. The world collectively yawns and scratches itself.

Karl misses Alex. Sawyer tells him that it's okay to be a big sissy. Karl blows his nose on Sawyer's shirt. Sawyer shoots Karl.

Kate and Sawyer are on the rocks concerning their relationship, as Jack is always in the back of Kate's mind. The storyline circles the drain and gurgles thusly.

Achara Too.
(The question I'll ask;
You are not from around here.
What is your species?)


ON HYDRA ISLAND:

Juliet is on trial for killing Danny. Jack wants to help, but he's too busy having pointless flashbacks. Eventually, Jack lies for Juliet and she is spared, only after being branded with the Star of Bethlehem.

Cindy and the rest of the kidnapped children gather around Jack's cage to 'watch.' Jack angrily growls and scares them off. We learn nothing as to what's going on with them, which is the theme of the evening.

Jack realizes what Juliet did to help him and his friends, so he decides to nurse Ben back to help in exchange for his word. In return, Ben pardons Juliet. By the end of the episode, they're all sailing back to the main island, where the Others live and be merry. Fade to black; I throw a beer bottle at the TV and go to bed.

Sorry, kids. Them's the breaks for giving me nothing to work with. Let's Break It Down!

Break It Down!

4 - Again; an American doctor in Thailand, and he's not looking for child prostitutes? No way! I've had to suspend my disbelief a lot for this show, but I'm drawing the line here.

8 - In hindsight for the Others, it didn't make much sense to send your only doctor to infiltrate the Castaways and start killing people. There must have been a better way to utilize that guy. His hands are delicate, for God's sake!

15 - Jack's tattoo was a huge letdown. It means exactly what I thought it meant. Fantastic.

Achara Also.
(Until this moment
Did not know you existed
Then you ate my brain.)


16 - At the end of the episode, we were supposed to feel bad for Alex and Karl, being separated after such a traumatic ordeal. In tune, I yelled "Don't care!" at the television before I shut it off. Why? Because I don't care, and nobody else should. Those characters don't nearly have enough depth to generate an emotional response from the audience, especially when they're up against Kate and Sawyer.

23 - Last week, Lost boasted some of their lowest ratings ever. I can't imagine this episode doing any better. To write an entire episode around the significance of a tattoo, you won't exactly be roping the fans in.

42 - Screw this.

It's time for The Preview. Tiny Spoilers Ahoy!

Tricia Tanaka Is Dead. Y'all Better Rekanize!

4 - Episode 10 is titled "Tricia Tanaka is Dead." It will be Hurley-centric.

8 - The official preview from ABC reads: "Hurley's discovery of an old, wrecked car on the island leads him on a mission of hope not only for himself, but for a fellow survivor in need of some faith. Meanwhile, Kate and Sawyer reunite with their fellow castaways, but Kate is still torn about leaving Jack behind with "The Others."

15 - In flashbacks, we'll see Cheech Marin playing the role of Hurley's dad. We'll also see the Chicken Shack destroyed by a meteor, per Hurley's story last season.

16 - Rousseau will return this week, crazy as ever.

Achara Again.
(Touching my fingers
Never wash my hands again
Take me back with you.)


23 - TV Guide states: "Happy days are here again when Hurley enlists Sawyer, Jin and Charlie to help him get that metal wreck started. Sawyer, meanwhile, sets a new record for most pop-culture references uttered in a single Lost episode. In addition to a Little House shout-out, the con artist formerly known as James Ford name-drops IHOP, Hooked on Phonics and Skeletor. Rocky III even gets a little plug, but that one Sawyer can't take credit for."

42 - As most Hurley episodes go, expect this one to be funny, charming and not too focused on serious storyline advancement. I'm actually looking forward to it. I've always liked the Hurley episodes.

Well, there you have it. The leanest, meanest Lost Friday ever. Sound off in the comments section and send hate mail or erotic photos to communistdance@yahoo.com. When you're done with all of that, head on over to The Coconut Internet and tell them I'm an ass. They'll laugh heartily. As always, here are links to every Lost Friday this season.

Season 3 Preview
Season 3 - Episode 1 Review
Season 3 - Episode 2 Review
Season 3 - Episode 3 Review
Season 3 - Episode 4 Review
Season 3 - Episode 5 Review
Season 3 - Episode 6 Review
Season 3 - Episode 7 Review
Season 3 - Episode 8 Review

Wednesday, February 21

My Baby Daddy.

It's over. It's all over.

Ladies and gentlemen, I give you the very definition of fear.

Look at me. Just look at me. I'm white as a sheet, my hair is all messed up and an absolute rictus of terror is painted on my face. It's embarrassing, but I thought you needed to see this; if anything, to drive the point home that I'm not Father material. Merely clutching a baby is enough to send me into a panic spiral worthy of the strongest of medications.

You know, I have a very short list of the most terrifying things I've ever done. I've nearly drown, suffered multiple car accidents, stood in dozens of weddings and once ate at White Castle. But the amount of responsibility and trust that goes into caring for another human life is far beyond the reaches of what I can accomplish as a man. Even learning to play the drums was a real pain in the ass for me, how could I ever reach the level of awareness necessary to raise a kid?

I give my sister all the credit in the world. The way that she expertly handles and cares for Evan must closely resemble the way my own Mother cared for me. He's showered with attention, always safe from harm and learning from the best. Obviously, this is a hereditary trait that men usually are born lacking. That's fine with me, however, because I don't want it. I have plenty of other things that I'm good at, like alienating friends and going to Best Buy every time I get drunk.

That's how I ended up with the entire Mama's Family DVD boxed set. I highly doubt I'm going to watch that, sober or otherwise.

I know the plan, though. Me and the Missus are more than likely going to have a baby one day. When that day comes, a switch of undying love and admiration will flick on in my head, instantly transforming me into the amazing Father I thought I never could be. I'll change diapers, stay up all hours of the night and swear to the Heavens that I will protect and love my child until the end of time.

Until that day comes, I'm perfectly content in being terrified. Suits me just fine.

The Missus is scared, too. She fears that she lacks the Motherly genes necessary to perform at such a demanding level. I always remind her that she's been wiping the crust out of my eyes for 8 years now, so having a baby might as well be a vacation for her. At least with a baby, there won't be any sass-back and nightly propositions for sex. We hope.

We have a game plan when it comes to the idea of having children. About once or twice a year, we revisit the Baby Conversation. We take a look at our standard of life, our debt-to-income ratio, our overall goals and plans for the upcoming year and other contributing factors. We take into consideration what we want to do as a married couple, what kind of life we can provide a newborn baby, and if we're ready to accept the most important responsibility in the world. We use dry-erase boards, transparencies and multiple-colored markers. It's a good time.

So far, it's not part of the cards. Five years from now? You never know. The Missus is 23 years old, so it's not like we're anywhere near approaching a deadline. Furthermore, I wouldn't be surprised if I was more sterile than my kitchen countertops. I'd prefer it, actually, so we could adopt one of those Chinese babies I keep hearing so much about. They come pre-equipped with Excel, PowerPoint and Word.

Look at that picture again, though. What an adorable, tiny baby. It's almost like a slight-of-hand parlor trick. "Never mind the money and life-changing responsibility, he's so cute! We just have to have one!"

I always try to keep level-headed about this. Babies grow up. They start talking back, running around the house and breaking your breakables. They get older and start getting into trouble at school. They begin hanging out with the wrong crowd. Before you know it, they're living in a refrigerator box behind the bakery, straining Rubbing Alcohol through yesterday's toast, and you're left to wonder where you went so very wrong.

Furthermore, I work over 8 hours a day, sleep 8 hours a night and watch at least 40 hours of TV a week. Throw in some time to eat, pee and work out, and we're actually approaching what Stephen Hawking likes to call 'negative time' at this point. It's universally impossible, and might actually suck the entire planet into a vortex of darkness and Fisher-Price toys.

People always tell me that if I wait for the right time to have a child, it will never arrive. Honestly, I don't have a problem with that. I always wait for the right time to do everything, why would I break tradition on the most important decision of my life? Any time I've ever jumped head-first into a hastily-made decision, I always end up without a car or in prison.

I think part of the problem is that I get most of my parenting skills from my dad. If you knew my dad, you'd know that he could teach me everything he knew about children during a commercial break. When he was to babysit Evan last weekend, he called my sister and asked if Evan was able to eat steak. My dad also bought Evan a hunting knife for Christmas.

Now that I think about it, I probably inherited my sense of humor from my dad. He knows exactly what he's doing, which is far funnier than if he was just being lazy and ignorant. I never got the joke when I was younger, but I've grown to understand it as an adult. The illusion of ignorance creates a protective shield around you, which allows you to get away with doing things you couldn't normally do if viewed as a respected and intelligent parent.

This is currently where I stand. Holding that damn baby gave me a feeling of connection and love that I honestly didn't think I'd ever have. The realization that it's my destiny to one day have a child scared the holy hell out of me, and now I have to understand that it's inevitable. That photograph was taken during a split-second moment of clarity, for better or for worse.

Through it all, this was never a question of whether or not I could be a good dad, it was whether or not I could admit that I wanted to be one.

So, do I?

Of course not; are you on crack?

Tuesday, February 20

Nothing's More Exciting Than A Sports Post.

Ohio State Fears Wisconsin. Say hello to the new #1.

Hello.

After weeks of being overshadowed by an overrated Florida squad, along with being curbsided by both voting committees, the Wisconsin Badgers are finally being acknowledged as the #1 college basketball team in the nation. As of Monday afternoon, the Associated Press bumped the deserving Badgers up to the throne, setting the stage for a monumental matchup this Sunday at #2 Ohio State.

Wisconsin Fears Ohio State. Say hello to the new #2.

Hey, there.

Currently ranked #1 in the USA Today Coaches Poll (and #2 in the AP), Ohio State doesn't have as many wins as Wisconsin, who also hold a home victory over the Buckeye squad. The matchup on Sunday will not only determine an undisputed #1 team, but almost assuredly lock up an overall #1 seed during March Madness. This matchup will be, hands down, the biggest and most highly anticipated game of the year.

If you're a fan of either team, or simply a fan of college basketball in general, this is the closest thing to Christmas in February. CDP Headquarters is based out of Madison, Wisconsin, and the already notorious party-town is set to explode heading into March.

Awesome, awesome, awesome. I cannot wait until Sunday. I don't even consider myself to be a typical douchebag sports fan, either. I'm genuinely looking forward to being entertained by the two best college basketball teams in the land.

One thing I really love about the Badgers is coach Bo Ryan. Apart from being one of the most methodical and passionate coaches in the game, I get a kick out of the fact that he looks like he could murder everyone in the arena during game day. That guy always looks stunned and incredulous, and that alone is entertaining enough. That's the kind of guy I want in charge of my team.

Badger tickets are about as difficult to snag as Packer tickets in Wisconsin (although my family has Packer season tickets, fool!), so I'll probably be watching the game at CDP Headquarters with a bowl full of Cool Ranch Doritos and a bottle of New Glarus Spotted Cow Ale.

Sound off in the comments section, and bow to the new #1.

Monday, February 19

Do You Swag Like I Swag?

Wisconsin's Best Wrestler.
(Brought to you by a pissed-off Austin Starr; Wisconsin's best pro wrestler.)

Every now and again, loyal CDP readers will send me photos of themselves enjoying one of the many different kinds of quality merch found at the CDP Webstore. I always get a kick out of this, because not only are these folks kind enough to buy something that endorses the CDP, they take the time to send me a photo of said endorsement.

It's always appreciated, and every photo will be published on the CDP. The webstore is HERE, and my e-mail is communistdance@yahoo.com. Thanks in advance.

Today, we have four different photos from two different sources. The first pair comes to us from CDP Network alumni, JT. Some of you may remember that back in November of '06, JT was nice enough to send us photographs of himself rocking a CDP t-shirt at a tailgate party.

As you may or may not know, JT is an avid fan (ie. borderline alcoholic) of Pabst Blue Ribbon beer. PBR is brewed and manufactured in Milwaukee, Wisconsin, less than an hour from CDP Headquarters. As luck would have it, I was invited to guest judge a stand-up comedy competition in December that was sponsored by the fine folks at PBR. In tune, we were overloaded with all sorts of free PBR swag. Free drinks, sweatshirts, iron-ons and the like.

One particular piece of swag that caught my eye was a stack of no less than 100 temporary PBR tattoos. Knowing that JT would have a far better time with these than I would, I quickly snatched them up, threw them in an official CDP envelope and shipped them down to South Carolina.

Herein, the aftermath.

PBR Guys.
(I count at least six tattoos. Six sexy tattoos.)

I like how the girls and guys were split into two groups for the photograph. What was this, a Sadie Hawkins party?

PBR Girls.
(This photo was censored because all of the ladies are under 10 years old.)

I wasn't sure if these ladies would like me to throw their photo onto the internets, so I went the extra step to block out their faces, just in case. I really don't need a lawsuit at this point in my life. They were cool with me seeing the photos in private, though, so what's a few thousand more sets of eyes?

When I started the CDP, I had dreamt of a world where women would willingly send me photographs of their tattooed midriffs and rear-ends. I consider this a testament to my clout and prowess as a blogger, and I'm deeply humbled to achieve this milestone. Thanks, JT!

Moving on.

The next two photographs come from longtime CDP friend Tammy. She had just moved into a historic apartment that has seen more than a few college students in its day. Somewhere along the way, a tradition started to leave a sticker or two somewhere in said apartment. Not one to break a longstanding streak, Tammy purchased a few CDP stickers and had a go:

Rocking The Barcode.

Here's another angle:

Rocking The Barcode II.

Beautiful.

Sound off in the comments section and enjoy your Monday.