Friday, April 7

Lost Friday - "Dave."

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Season Two - Episode 18 - "Dave."

Another Lost Friday is upon us. We have much to discuss.

I'm not going to lie to you. I expected a little more out of this episode. True, we learned a few important things, as well as a good groundwork for what lies ahead, but there was room for so much more. I'm sick of groundwork; I want actual ground. I won't dwell on the negatives though; as Lost's worst work is still some of the best on TV (with the exception of 'Still Standing'; that show's hilarious!). With less than a handful of episodes left this season, here's hoping they spill a lot of information in a little amount of time, or I'll spend all summer in the fetal position on my couch. Well, I'll probably do that anyway, but I'd at least like to be happy while I did it.

Hurley episodes are always a bit depressing, mainly because he's such a likable character and we don't want anything bad to happen to him. The reasons over why he was committed were answered on Wednesday, along with how he managed to 'cure' himself. This week's focus was more on backstory than anything, and this late in the season, I guess I'll take what I can get. If anything, this allowed us to understand most of Hurley's past, and why he feels like keeping secrets from time to time. Let's get to it.

'The Skinny,' Courtesy of Wikipedia:

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(Rated TV-14 for excessive sweat stains.)

The episode opens up on Hurley and Libby, running along a nondescript section of the beach, and it is all too apparent that this exercise was Libby's idea, an attempt to help the self-conscious Hurley become healthier. Unconvinced of his own self-worth, Hurley admits to Libby that he has a secret, and takes her inland to show her his hidden stash of the food bearing the Dharma Initiative logo. She convinces him to get rid of it, and Hurley says that he finally feels free.

As the two share an intimate moment, Jin and Sun followed by a few others rush by, speaking of a discovery. Hurley and Libby soon follow to find a large group of the survivors around a huge crate filled with food. The assumption made is that it was dropped overnight. Fighting soon breaks out, and to quell the aggression, Charlie suggests Hurley split up the food again. As he panics and refuses vehemently, Libby suggests that everyone can be trusted to take only what they need, earning Sawyer's ridicule with her optimism. The group apparently resolves to Libby's suggestion, and there is no further incident. Hurley does not go after the food, however, and instead goes out into the jungle, chasing after someone he saw that no one else had noticed -- a bald man in a bathrobe, who flees into the jungle. Hurley loses sight of the man, finding nothing but a slipper.

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("Look Jin, a set of wicked Matchbox cars! Kick ass!")


The flashback begins with Hurley in a psychiatrist's office, speaking to a Dr. Brooks (played by Bruce Davison) about his mother, his diet, and why he is in the hospital in the first place. An "accident" is mentioned, but Hurley expresses desire to avoid speaking of it. Changing the subject, the doctor asks of a friend of Hurley's, Dave (Evan Handler), whom he feels is having a negative influence on his progress. The scene shifts suddenly to a basketball game in a gymnasium where the same bald man from earlier is trying unsuccessfully to get someone to pass him the ball. He trash-talks the other patients, but they do not respond. As the man, whom we learn is the titular Dave, and Hurley talk, Hurley mentions what Dr. Brooks said about him. His response is to try and demonize the doctor in Hurley's mind. He ends up convincing Hurley to join him and go (presumably over-) eat tacos in the cafeteria.

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(When experimenting in S&M, be sure to always have a safe word. Mine is 'muffins.')


Back on the island, Sayid and Ana-Lucia interrogate the man we know as "Henry Gale," who we find once again tied up in the interrogation room. When asked about the leader of the Others, the bearded man, Henry at first repeats his denial of being one of the Others at all. His explanation is that he was a part of the rescue team and found Henry Gale dead, hanging from a balloon, and buried him out of common human decency. Sayid proves this false by reading a message that the real Henry Gale wrote to his wife, Jenny, on a twenty-dollar bill that was found in his wallet -- he would have never gotten to write this message if he was really found dead. Exposed, our impostor Henry lets it slip that he knows the bearded man that Ana-Lucia spoke of, saying that, "He is nothing." Sayid loses his patience and says he'll count to three, and then shoot "Henry" if he doesn't answer the question, and it is apparent that Sayid fully intends to make good on his threat. With the gun aimed at his head, Sayid pulls the trigger. Luckily for Henry, Ana-Lucia pulled Sayid's arm away at the last second; the bullet harmlessly hits the ceiling. In another room but within earshot, a bedridden Locke shouts and asks about the gunshot. An irritated Jack goes to investigate, telling John that he can handle it on his own, and ends up leaving the interrogation room with Sayid. Henry tries to thank Ana-Lucia, who is the last to leave, but she interrupts, telling him to "shut up."

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(Say what you want about DHARMA, they sure know what's tasty.)

Leonard is playing Connect 4 with Hurley back in the hospital, with Dave being as flippant as ever. Hurley is munching on celery, but Dave exhorts Hurley to steal one of Leonard's graham crackers. Dave reasons, "What's he gonna do? Call you a '23'?" (In reference to the infamous numbers that Leonard is repeating). Hurley quickly snatches one and eats it. The nurse comes by with his medicine, and Hurley hastily thanks the nurse for it. Before he can down it, Dave tries to tell Hurley about his plan to escape. He tells Hurley that the medicine is just meant to keep him under control, so that he doesn't escape. Dr. Brooks comes by with a camera and asks to take a picture of the two for a bulletin board. They give a pose, and as Dr. Brooks leaves, Hurley pretends to take the medicine, but shows Dave that he hasn't really swallowed it.

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("I'm a complete and total fabrication of your subconscious! ROCK!")

On the island, Charlie offers Mr. Eko to help build some sort of mystery structure. Hurley, in the meantime is still chasing Dave through the jungle. At a clearing, Hurley finds a box of DHARMA "Fish Crackers" (which bear a resemblence to Goldfish crackers), and begins gorging on them. Dave appears, and Hurley tries to reassure himself, saying Dave isn't actually here. Dave simply responds by picking up a coconut and hitting Hurley in the stomach with it. Dave then runs off and Hurley gives chase. Hurley follows him onto the beach, where Charlie and Eko are working. Of course, neither of the two saw a man in a bathrobe walk by, so Hurley goes to see Sawyer about getting some of the medicine he was taking in the hospital. After some further inquiry, and no lies, Sawyer pokes fun at Hurley's hallucinations. Finally, Hurley snaps and jumps on Sawyer, getting several good hits in on him while screaming all the names Sawyer has called him. Jin and Sun hear this commotion, but Jin gets some enjoyment at seeing Sawyer getting beat up, and lets about a minute pass before pulling Hurley off Sawyer. As Hurley walks away, Sawyer says "You're crazy," and Hurley scowls back, "I'm not crazy." Jack, Kate, and Libby, among others, begin to get understandably curious about what provoked Hurley into his violent actions.

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(When men have tickle fights, it's clearly less sexy than women.)

We continue our examination of Hurley along with Dr. Brooks. Through some fairly difficult conversations, it is revealed that Hurley feels his weight is a major source of his problems, including the "accident". Though the specifics are not revealed, we learn that Hurley walked onto an overloaded deck, one built for 8, but that was carrying 23 people, and it collapsed. As a result, 2 people died and Hurley went into a catatonic state for a while. When he snapped out of it, he was racked with guilt, but Dr. Brooks has been desperately trying to convince him that it wasn't his fault or the fault of his obesity. He tells Hurley to stop talking to Dave, reminding him again of his negativity. Hurley retorts that Dave is the only one who really cares about what Hurley feels. Dr. Brooks finally caves in and shows Hurley something "that might upset" him. It is the picture taken earlier - with no Dave in it. Dave is a figment of Hurley's imagination, created to distract Hurley from the difficult task of losing the weight he really wants to lose.

Meanwhile, Jack and Kate are treating Locke's wound. Jack determines that there is a hairline fracture and that Locke should stay off of it for a few weeks. This is obviously upsetting to Locke. When Jack begins to suggest the use of the wheelchair found in the wreckage, Locke immediately refuses. He does reluctantly accept to use some crutches. Elsewhere, Hurley is upset about the trouble he has caused for everyone, and announces his intentions to move to the now empty caves, so that he can become that "crazy island guy who lives alone, with long hair, who doesn't wear clothes, and throws doo-doo at anyone who comes near him". He is determined, so nobody stops him, though Libby is disappointed he is leaving. On the way there, Hurley drops his backpack full of peanut butter and begins to eat it straight off the ground. Dave materializes in front of Hurley, only for the show to cut back to the hospital.

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(That picture looks suspiciously familiar. No joke, just an observation. There's poop jokes on the way, I promise.)

It is nighttime, and Dave has snuck into Hurley's room, ready to break out. Hurley tells Dave that he is not real, mentioning the photograph Dr. Brooks showed him. Dave rolls his eyes and mentions something about photoshop and Kinko's, which is enough to persuade Hurley to escape. They sneak down the stairs and Dave points out some unfinished lasagna and says Hurley should grab "one for the road", so Hurley takes it and begins to eat while they go. They get to a locked window, but Dave says Hurley took the keys of Dr. Brooks' desk earlier and they're in his pocket. Hurley does have the keys in his pocket and he unlocks and opens the window. Dave goes out the window, but Hurley doesn't follow. He tells Dave he isn't real and shuts the window.

Back on the island, Hurley and Dave start to talk. Hurley still believes that Dave is fake, but Dave says "things are going to get worse before they get better." Dave tells Hurley that everything that has happened since the night of the escape attempt has been a fantasy. After the night Dave escaped, Hurley had gone back into a catatonic state, and he has imagined everything; winning the lottery, the island, the hatch, the people, even being let out of the hospital. Hurley doesn't believe it at first, mentioning that he won the lottery. Dave asks him what numbers he played, and Hurley hesistantly replies that he used Leonard's numbers. Dave then points out that Hurley has seen them on the island, specifically on the hatch and as the code for the button. Dave also mentions the fact that Hurley hasn't dropped any weight in two months on a deserted island. Hurley tries to explain about his stash, which he and Libby destroyed, and Dave retorts that even Libby is made up, because it wouldn't make sense for Hurley to have such an attractive, skinny, blonde girl attracted to Hurley. Hurley seems to start believing Dave. As Dave leads Hurley somewhere, Dave explains that the Dave who jumped out the window was real, but the Dave with Hurley now is just made up by the part of Hurley's subconcious that wants to wake up. They come up to a cliff, and Dave says the way out of this catatonic state is to tell his mind it's not real by jumping off the cliff. He then deminstrates by jumping off himself, falling far down into the ocean.

In the hatch, Locke demands Ana-Lucia to let him talk to "Henry". Locke is let in, and asks Henry what his real name is, to which Henry replies that everyone should keep calling him Henry, because he's gotten used to it. Locke is puzzled as to whether Henry inteded to be caught or not, saying that the Others should know the island well enough to avoid one of Danielle's traps. Locke begins to say something like "God only knows how long you all have been on this island". Henry stops him, saying "God doesn't know how long we've been here, God can't see the island anymore than humans can see the island". Locke asks if the Others wanted to know the location of the hatch, and that is why he let himself be captured. Henry belittles Locke, divulging to him that the hatch is insignificant. He never entered the numbers into the computer and never pushed the button. He let the timer run down to 0, and saw red hieroglyphs appear, only to be replaced a short time later by "108" again. Nothing happened at all. Locke doesn't believe Henry.

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(POOOOOOOP!)

Back at the cliff, Hurley is contemplating whether or not to believe Dave. Libby comes up and is worried about Hurley, saying Jin saw Hurley running off this way. Hurley, who thinks Libby is made up, tries to call her out, saying Jin can't speak English, but Libby counters that Sun was there to translate. Hurley tells her that none of this is real, that even she is made up, as the part of his mind that doesn't want to wake up. Libby asks him about the man who broke his leg on the other side of the island, and points out that Hurley doesn't know because it happened to her, not him. She tells him to stop saying it's all made up, because she buried a lot of people, and that was real, along with her, and the way she feels about Hurley. They stand together for a moment, and finally kiss. She tells him that was real too, and Hurley says "Maybe we better do it again...just in case", and they both laugh and walk away from the cliff. Libby tells Hurley she knows he can change.

We cut back to the hospital on the day that Dr. Brooks took the picture of Hurley and "Dave". As the shot pans around the room from Hurley and the empty chair, we see another patient being given her medication. The patient is actually Libby with brunette hair, staring at Hurley.

[SMASH CUT.]

Thanks, Wikipedia. You always know just what to say. It's a good thing, too, because I'm feeling mighty lazy today. Fortunately(?), there's not all that much to get into this week. When you drop something like the almighty Hatch Map a week ago, you can get away with fluff the next time around. Numbers, ahoy!

'The Numbers:'

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(Eating enough celery will turn you invisible. Remember that, kids.)

4. If you didn't realize that 'Dave' was a figment of Hurley's imagination the second you saw him, then you need to be paying closer attention. Anyone who's seen 'A Beautiful Mind' or its many rip-offs over the last 5 years saw this coming from a mile away. Normally, Lost embraces the art of the subtle hint, but in this case, they were laying the 'he's fake!' clue on a bit thick.

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("Rated TV-14 for excessive Shaft-like characteristics.")

8. What is Eko building? I still think it's a church, but I thought Charlie's ribbing was humorous. The castaways are starting to ask more questions about things, which is always a good sign. I don't necessarily like that the audience is so far ahead of the castaways when it comes to understanding what's going on. Once they start to unravel things, most of us nerds will be impatient to the cause.

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("This island is one big salad, and I'm digging in!")

15. Again with the ranch dressing abuse! Mark my words, the Lost writers are doing this on purpose as a direct jab at those of us who freaked out about it the first time. This is the third time we've seen a gallon of ranch dressing get wasted, and that's just what we've seen on camera. There could be literally hundreds of gallons of delicious dressing getting slaughtered on a daily basis. That all being said, why in the hell does DHARMA think their subjects need so much of it? I love ranch, but a gallon would last me for at least the next 5 or 6 lockdowns.

DHARMA makes a ton of food; way more stuff than they would ever need. Imitation Oreos? Goldfish? Who's making all this stuff?

16. Libby in the psych ward. Didn't see that one coming. Well, maybe.

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(Maybe Libby is a figment of Libby's imagination. Still with me?)

What does it all mean? Well, for one, it means that Libby's a liar. Either she was a nut who figured out what was wrong with herself and made a change in her life, or she's still a nut and is stalking Hurley for one reason or another. A Libby flashback episode will be just what we need to see why she was on the plane in the first place. Remember in the hatch, when Libby remarked that Hurley stepped on her foot when he got onto the plane? Most of us figured out that couldn't have happened, due to Libby being seated in the tail section. What else is she keeping from him?

Sheesh, and after all the crap she gave Hurley about trust. Leave it to a skinny blonde girl to play a big guy and break his heart. He'll be crushed, but so will she.

23. Hurley's backstory is pretty much complete at this point. We found out about his overeating, we found out why he had to be committed, we found out about 'Dave' and we found out how he got better. We didn't advance too far this week with island mythology and whatnot, but it did a lot as far as the Hurley mystery was concerned.

42. Just what is Henry up to? Do you really think he didn't press the button? He's starting to confuse me a bit, because he knows things he shouldn't, and doesn't know things he should. We could just chalk this all up to lying on his part, but he said some things that were really interesting. He better be careful, because Sayid's just itching to blow his head off.

We know that whoever he's working for (or is horribly enslaved by) is a bad dude. He's the same guy that Zeke was scared of in 'Maternity Leave.' By the way, Henry said that Zeke was 'nothing,' and called the hatch a 'joke.' Clearly, this isn't someone who's looking out for the security of the hatch or any of its experiments. In fact, it would appear as if he knew nothing about the truth behind the button until after he refused to push it. That doesn't sound like something a DHARMA worker would say.

By the way, how in the world would Henry know what a giant electromagnet sounds like? That made no sense, so I'm thinking he was fibbing Locke at the time. Something's up.

Just before Sayid was going to cap him, he yelled 'I'm a good person!' Taking the nature of the Others into consideration, could it be possible that Henry is an Alex-type prisoner? What I mean is, could Henry have been someone kidnapped by the Others at an earlier age and raised to follow their teachings and experiments? I think we'll figure out more about it next week, because the castaways are prepping to make a trade.

'The Preview:'

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(You stay trapped in the armory too long, you turn to wax. Henry found out the hard way.)

Next week's NEW episode is titled "S.O.S." and appears to be Bernard/Rose-centric. The official description from ABC reads:

"Rose is surprisingly and vehemently opposed to Bernard's plan to create an S.O.S. signal; romantic sparks are rekindled between Jack and Kate when they trek into the jungle to propose a trade with the Others; and Locke begins to question his faith in the island."

Jack and company are crossing the 'line' with Henry in tow, in order to attempt to trade him for Walt. I don't know what Henry does to allow himself to be put on the auction block like that, but something tells me he's going to start answering questions. The castaways wouldn't attempt a trade if they didn't think he was worth trading.

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("Damn you David Barr Yaffe! Damn you to hell!")

Sick of all the reruns messing up the flow? Producer Damon Lindelof feels the same way, and had this to say about the scheduling in season 3:

"We're lobbying ABC for when the show is on, it's on, and when it's off, it's off. So, we want to air it in three acts next year. You know, blocks of seven, seven and eight. But in order to do that, we have to roll the show out in October instead of September, and hopefully that will work out."

That, my friends, is a great idea.

Thus concludes another Lost Friday. Thanks for stopping by for another week; start the conspiracy in the comments section, and send any hate mail to communistdance@yahoo.com. As always, here are links to every Lost Friday that ever was, inaccurate predictions and all:

SEASON TWO - EPISODE 17 REVIEW
SEASON TWO - TEMPORARY EDITION
SEASON TWO - EPISODE 16 REVIEW
SEASON TWO - RERUN EDITION: VOLUME 8
SEASON TWO - RERUN EDITION: VOLUME 7
SEASON TWO - EPISODE 15 REVIEW
SEASON TWO - EPISODE 14 REVIEW
SEASON TWO - EPISODE 13 REVIEW
SEASON TWO - RERUN EDITION: VOLUME 6
SEASON TWO - EPISODE 12 REVIEW
SEASON TWO - EPISODE 11 REVIEW
SEASON TWO - EPISODE 10 REVIEW
SEASON TWO - RERUN EDITION: VOLUME 5
SEASON TWO - RERUN EDITION: VOLUME 4
SEASON TWO - RERUN EDITION: VOLUME 3
SEASON TWO - EPISODE 9 REVIEW
SEASON TWO - EPISODE 8 REVIEW
SEASON TWO - EPISODE 7 REVIEW
SEASON TWO - EPISODE 6 REVIEW
SEASON TWO - RERUN EDITION: VOLUME 2
SEASON TWO - RERUN EDITION
SEASON TWO - EPISODE 5 REVIEW
SEASON TWO - EPISODE 4 REVIEW
SEASON TWO - EPISODE 3 REVIEW
SEASON TWO - EPISODE 1 REVIEW
SEASON TWO PREVIEW

Thursday, April 6

Katharine McPhee Watch - Volume 4.

Katharine McPhee and 7 losers.

92,000 people auditioned for American Idol this year.

There are now 8 singers left, and Katharine McPhee is one of them.

Just thought you might want to know.

Now, allow me to editorialize for a minute or two. Kenny Rogers is a stone-cold dick.

Mandisa got cut last night, and that doesn't sit too well with me. Not only was she extremely good looking and sultry, but she probably had the best technical voice in the contest. I liked her a whole lot, and Kenny Rogers is to blame for her all-too-early departure.

Did you hear him on Tuesday? He was giving whiz-poor song advice to everyone. Say what you want about Barry Manilow, but the man delivers the goods. Kenny succeeded in making even the best Idol contestants sound like crap warmed over, which led up to a skewed set of results.

Do you really think that Bucky is a better singer than Mandisa? How about Paris? How about Kellie? Of course not. She didn't get kicked off because she's heavy, she didn't get kicked off because she's black and she didn't get kicked off because the public sucks. She got kicked off because she chose a song that exercised about 2% of her phenomenonal vocal range, and Kenny took what little she had to work with and shot it right in the can. Good work, Gambler.

In all honesty though, I'm sort of glad that she's out of the contest. Her voice is well-suited for soul and gospel, and she will have a decent career singing soul and gospel songs. She doesn't need this whack-ass contest or Kenny Stupid Plastic Face Rogers to tell her what to do. I hate you Kenny, and your stupid, out-of-business chicken franchise. If it takes me until I'm 100, I will destroy you like you destroyed the contestants on Tuesday.

Next week, the final 8 will be doing Queen songs, which should rule, as far as I'm concerned. If there's one sure-fire way to weed out the losers, it's trying to nail a Freddie Mercury track. So long, Bucky. It's been fun, but I haven't understood a damn word you've said since day one.

[End rant.]


(cough)


[Begin Rant.]

Man, am I going to do this every Thursday until American Idol's over? What will I do in between seasons? Am I still going to do a Lost Friday during the off-season, or long after it jumps the shark and gets stale? When my hits and traffic start to slide in the summer, what will I do to fill the void? Talk to people? Is this what the CDP has finally come to?

Watch in horror as television shows and pointless gossip slowly monopolize every day of the week here at the CDP! Forget about witty reflections and nostalgia! Do away with humorous essays and sarcastic wordplay! Take everything you used to appreciate about me and cram it up yer' chute, because I'm selling out to the lowest common denominator, and you're coming with!

Posts that make me happy and content will be ushered out in droves, in favor of what E! News told me Ryan Seacrest will be wearing next week! You won't hear me complaining, because I'm netting 500 hits a day!

It'll quell the pain for now, but soon I'll be wanting more! In my quest for 5000 hits a day, I'll start cursing more, put up naked photos of your favorite celebrities and wax poetic about recreational drug use and meaningless sex! Sure, my mom will stop reading and my wife will beg me to stop, but to hell with 'em! I've got sponsors now! For every one friend and sibling I humiliate and embarrass, another 10 fans will take their place! That's a 1000% profit, and I'm not about to balk on those odds!

It's a brave new world, and I'm in it for the long haul.

I'm also a monumental loser and liar.


Seriously though, Lost Friday is tomorrow. If you miss it, I'll kill you. It's going to be good, because I wrote it. Once again, I've done five posts in five days, and that's just great.

Wednesday, April 5

Fact Or Crap? - Answer Edition.

Buy this shirt for $10!

First off, thanks to those who participated and played along with Monday's 'Fact Or Crap? - CDP Edition.' This is only the second time I've done it, but my life doesn't really warrant many interesting, bite-sized nuggets of goodness. With the completion of this post, you will officially know about every single interesting thing that has ever happened to me, and I shall retire from personal blogging forever. For the rest of my days, I'll choose to talk about TV shows and celebrities. Or, failing that, what celebrities from TV shows are wearing.

Wait... I already do that? Well, the hell with you then! Let's dish out some answers; they're in bold under the original fact.

1. I've thrown 3 punches in my life, connecting only once. The first of these connections came during a playground fight in the 3rd grade, in which I pinned an annoying fellow by the name of Travis to the ground and let him have it, Scott Farcas-style. My next bout didn't come until the 8th grade, when I took a swing at some guy during a class assembly in the gymnasium. I missed and fell over two rows of students, but I proved my point. My third and final whiff was during my Sophomore year of high school, when I got into a fight with a friend in a Perkins parking lot. The night ended with me getting hit by not only him, but also a car.

FACT!

I'm not much of a fighter, and I only threw punches if there was a lady involved. In fact, in all three of these cases, they were against good friends and always had to do with a girl. What does that teach us? Well, for one, you should abandon even your closest friends and colleagues if it offers you even the slightest chance of seeing a bra.

2. I have successfully ingested an entire pouch of Big League Chew, and chewed the entire works for over a minute before choking on the baseball-sized gob and spitting it out. I consider myself the only person on the planet who has done this and survived.

FACT!

You should have seen me; you would have been so proud. I was all hunched over a garbage can, drooling to beat the band and laughing my ass off. This would have been much funnier and appropriate had I not been at church at the time.

3. When I was 13 years old, I did some web design for an escort service in my former hometown of Appleton, Wisconsin. I became friends with the wealthy owner of the company, and was promised a free date with the girl of my choice when I turned 18, along with the keys to his Porsche Boxter for the night. This obviously never transpired, or I would have told you that story by now.

FACT!

I think I might have stumped a lot of people with this one. Truth is, this really happened back in 1995-1996. The internet might have been new at the time when it came to the globalization of information and commerce, but since day one, it was always a worldwide pornography and prostitution ring. Let it be known that I was there for the glory days.

I don't know how it happened, I don't know how I got away with it and I don't know why my mom didn't step in sooner, but it's all true. This story ends peacefully and morally though, with the aforementioned rich owner getting arrested and sent to the clink for shady business deals; mainly because he was, you know, running a whorehouse (all true). I've since attended confession many times to right my past wrongs.

4. A television clip exists of me at the age of 6, on a local Saturday morning kids show hosted by a clown. The theme of the episode was Thanksgiving, and 'Oscar' the clown was asking all of us what Thanksgiving meant to us. As the kids humiliated themselves one-by-one, I am clearly heard in the background making fun of them. When Oscar got to me, he asked me what I thought of Thanksgiving, and I replied with, "I don't know." For the record, I did know, but didn't want to share with him.

FACT!

Every kid who was any kid got to be on the Oscar the Clown show in the 80's. Well, at least those of us who grew up in Winnebago County and watched a lot of public access television. As an interesting twist to the story, Oscar the Clown was actually the aforementioned rich escort service owner that got arrested. Weird.

5. I have successfully completed Super Mario Brothers 3 for the NES over 150 times, and on one occasion, 30 times in one day. As an additional achievement, I once completed the original Super Mario Brothers while watching the TV reflection in a mirror. I didn't go outside much after 1988.

FACT!

Come on. You should know me well enough by now to know that I was just dying to tell someone about this fact. One wonderful summer, I set out to win SMB3 100 times in a row, and succeeded in less than two weeks. Honest to God, who needs school?

6. During Freshman year, I broke my right wrist while roller skating in gym class. Chalking it up to random pain and shock, I ignored it and continued on with my day until the arm could no longer function, and turned a dark shade of blue. I eventually made a full and disgusting recovery.

FACT!

Let me clear up some loose ends on this one, as there was some controversy. First off, I was roller skating, not roller blading. Some kids brought rollerblades from home, but the school would have never provided us with them at the time. Secondly, I never specified that I stayed in school all day. Once my arm turned black and blue, I went to the nurses office, where my parents were notified. It was kind of a bad day, but I was violently popular when I returned to school wearing a sling.

7. During one of my trademark tantrums as a child, I went completely off my nut at a bowling alley over the protest of a gutter ball. The ferocity of my anger, coupled with the slickness of the bowling shoes, allowed me to actually kick myself in the face. I didn't think it was possible, and still don't, really.

FACT!

I think I actually talked about this in an earlier CDP post. Paste was right though, I didn't actually trademark my tantrum, but it is patent pending. I bled like Ryan White in a Golden Gloves tournament, and that was the single meanest thing I've ever said on this page.

Patent pending, patent pending, patent pending.


8. I've wet the bed one time in my life, and only one time. I was 16.

FACT!

You didn't think I would admit something like this? Think again. I'm that messed-up, apparently.

To the best of my (and my parents') knowledge, I never wet the bed once I got out of diapers. True, I got out of diapers when I was 7, but hey, a rule's a rule.

Allow me to explain this to you, so you don't think I've got some strange illness or whatnot. My sleeping conditions that night were all messed up. I was sick as a dog and on all sorts of mind and body-altering medications. I was pouring liquids down my throat like you wouldn't believe, and passed out before I had a chance to properly relieve myself. I was dreaming, nay--hallucinating that I was going to the bathroom, and when I woke up... there you have it. There's nothing wrong with me. Also, I was sleeping in a sleeping bag, so it was easy to wash.

9. I have literally sat on the lap of Brett Favre; Super Bowl champion, the NFL's only 3-time MVP and my favorite football player of all time. He signed an autograph for me, which was later scribbled over and destroyed by my 5-year-old sister.

FACT!

I don't want to talk about it, either. One unforgettable, amazing day deserves a really dark one, and man...that was rough.

10. I once got a Ford Escort up to 106 miles per hour. My normally 21-minute long trip from school took 7 minutes.

FACT!

Done and done. My friend was running late getting home, and he thought his parents would disembowel him this time around. I never let a friend down, unless they're going after a girl I like, then it's clobbering time.

Okay, I know what you're thinking. They were all facts again; and I guess you'd be right to say that. Paste wins, because he's intelligent and logical (mad props and respek). If he updated his page more than once a season, I'd tell you all to go there and check it 'oot.

Aw, hell, go there anyways, he's got some good stuff over there.

But, didn't I promise that I would throw a lie in somewhere? Well, let's look at the tape, shall we?

("In Volume One, there weren't any lies in each of the 10 statements; but this time I promise that there's a lie somewhere in this post.")

That, my friends, was the lie.

Thank you and goodnight.

Tuesday, April 4

I Got The Hook Up.

(The following post is about Wi-Fi piggybacking, and NOT the 1998 Master P film 'I Got The Hook Up.' For those looking for information concerning the film, I recommend looking here. Thank you.)

'Stealing Wireless Internet & You.'
By: The CDP.


Cable boy? Cable boy?
(What have you done to my little cable boy?)

Several weeks ago, me and my mom went halfsies on a sweet new laptop. For me, this represented a new avenue with which I could explore my writing and YouTube viewing; expanding the limits by which I would normally brainstorm to infinite proportions. For my mom, this was a chance for her to show support for my hobbies, and for me, it was finally realizing my fantasy of typing whilst on the can. Everybody wins, especially the Missus, who uses it more than me and doesn't have to pay a dime.

Once I got the idea in my head that I wanted-- nay, needed a notebook, there was nothing that could stop me from throwing more cash than I really could afford into the wind. The prospect of being connected to the web everywhere, along with virtually unlimited games of hands-free solitare was too much for me to turn down. Furthermore, it would allow me to work on other projects outside of the CDP. You know, stuff I can get paid for and stuff.

Which reminds me, if I sold merch, would you buy it? Come on, Paste, couldn't you see yourself straight rocking a black CDP ringer shirt, reading Volume 1 of the CDP archives and slapping CDP stickers onto the back of your van? Anyone? Aaron? Ben?

Fine, I didn't want to waste my time on it anyway. Besides, I've got lots of other things lined up. Yep.

This page tends to take me away from longer projects, like action-adventure screenplays and car commercials, because of its instant gratification and submission to the rest of the world. When you can write 1000 words on Chuck Norris and talk to people about it for the rest of the day, it's a lot more fun than doing 10 pages a day on an awful script that nobody will critique and discard for months. Buying this laptop was a chance for me to do what I did before the CDP existed, and slip back into my reclusive tendencies and Salinger-esque quirks until I emerged with something I was proud of.

For as private and lonely as I want to be, I sure spend a lot of time telling people about it.

With all the glitz and glamour of being an Internet Phenomenon, I had forgotten how nice it was to write for myself. You know how it is, drinking eight screwdrivers in a row while dreaming up characters and plotlines, only to end up playing 50 games of Minesweeper and passing out on the Rumpus Room couch. I miss that, and the notebook was a way I could reclaim the flavor without sacrifing the full-bodied charm I've come to expect in a beer.

Picking out the notebook was by far the most annoying aspect. We first went to American and talked to a 14-year-old, on commission, wearing wingtips, who was honest-to-God named 'Rad.' He basically told us that what we were looking at was trash, and unless we spent well over $1,400 on the model that was made from Unicorn ivory and Goblin fur, I'd most certainly slash my wrists with a broken Coke bottle after using it for a week.

What a ween.

I also thought it was humorous that whenever I wandered any more than 3 feet from the Missus, she would be swarmed by male salesmen who natually assumed that she had no idea what she was looking for. These misogynistic turds lined up all the way back to the appliance section to willingly blow smoke up her ass about computers she knew far more about than them. I thought the chauvinistic stereotype died with car salesman 30 years ago, but they honestly thought that she would gladly write a hefty check to any tall guy that smelled nice and explained to her what a processor did. Good luck, kids.

Best Buy was better, because the computer I wanted was on sale and about ten times better than my current PC. I picked up a flash drive and optical mouse for the road, and before you know it, I was inhaling the new laptop smell permeating from the top of the spotted Gateway box.

This post was supposed to be about stealing wireless internet. Let's talk about that.

For those who don't know, newer laptops are capable of linking up to wireless networks. Depending on how far away from a wireless router you are, you can get free internet. This is the selling point for a lot of hotels and Internet cafes nowadays; the prospect of free wireless internet on their dime. Bearded jackasses that reek of coffee and pot can now spend all day in these places, going about their 419 scams and shameful online dating in the comforts of a public place, giving them the illusion that they are actually making an effort to communicate with the outside world (read: MySpace).

Here's the cool part. Even cooler than that last sentence.

If you live anywhere near a place with a wireless router, you can essentially piggyback off of their connection and get free internet from your home. Living in an apartment, we have no less than three people in the vicinity that have open networks for us to link off of. It's like stealing cable, without the wires and Lifetime Movie Channel.

Woah. Free internet. Insanely fast, too.

Some people are against this. They say that you shouldn't jump on other peoples' connections. I say that if they wanted me off of their network, they should password-protect the damn thing. I'm not going anywhere until they drag me away kicking and screaming. It's not theft if it's just floating around for the taking. I believe in ethics, and you can't steal something that's free or not able to be seen.

Upstairs, we pay something like $30 a month for internet through our corrupt and evil cable company. Downstairs, we get it for free, and it's ten times as fast. What would you do?

Look, it's not like we're cancelling the paid internet we've been getting for years. It's just that sometimes I'm too lazy to walk all the way upstairs to check basketball scores and Google my various charitible organizations. We make sure not to pass sensitive information along the wireless connection, and it's super convienient to have it in the living room. All I need now are bionic eyes that focus quicker between the computer screen and the TV.

I'm not trying to justify this or anything, I just wanted to tell you how cool it was. I just fantisize that I'm piggybacking off of our loud neighbors, and they more than deserve to have their bandwidth jacked for all they've put us through.

I gots' the hook up, yo. What do you have to say about it? Sound off in the comments section and condemn me to hell for eternity. Fact or Crap? answers will arrive tomorrow, take a guess if you haven't already.

'CDP's gunna be a cable boy, cable boy, cable boy...'

Monday, April 3

Fact Or Crap? - CDP Edition. (Volume 2)

It'll cure what ails 'ya.

Gather 'round, now. Here's how you play 'Fact Or Crap? - CDP Edition.'

I'm going to tell you 10 interesting or odd facts about myself (or boring and pompous, depending on what your opinion of me as a person is). You are going to decide which one or many of them is a lie, and let me know in the comments section. After a day or two, I'll reveal the answer(s) and give mad props and respek to the winner. Simple as that.

If you want a reminder, here was the wildly successful and oft-imitated VOLUME ONE.

In Volume One, there weren't any lies in each of the 10 statements; but this time I promise that there's a lie somewhere in this post. Put on your thinking caps, yo:

1. I've thrown 3 punches in my life, connecting only once. The first of these connections came during a playground fight in the 3rd grade, in which I pinned an annoying fellow by the name of Travis to the ground and let him have it, Scott Farcas-style. My next bout didn't come until the 8th grade, when I took a swing at some guy during a class assembly in the gymnasium. I missed and fell over two rows of students, but I proved my point. My third and final whiff was during my Sophomore year of high school, when I got into a fight with a friend in a Perkins parking lot. The night ended with me getting hit by not only him, but also a car.

2. I have successfully ingested an entire pouch of Big League Chew, and chewed the entire works for over a minute before choking on the baseball-sized gob and spitting it out. I consider myself the only person on the planet who has done this and survived.

3. When I was 13 years old, I did some web design for an escort service in my former hometown of Appleton, Wisconsin. I became friends with the wealthy owner of the company, and was promised a free date with the girl of my choice when I turned 18, along with the keys to his Porsche Boxter for the night. This obviously never transpired, or I would have told you that story by now.

4. A television clip exists of me at the age of 6, on a local Saturday morning kids show hosted by a clown. The theme of the episode was Thanksgiving, and 'Oscar' the clown was asking all of us what Thanksgiving meant to us. As the kids humiliated themselves one-by-one, I am clearly heard in the background making fun of them. When Oscar got to me, he asked me what I thought of Thanksgiving, and I replied with, "I don't know." For the record, I did know, but didn't want to share with him.

5. I have successfully completed Super Mario Brothers 3 for the NES over 150 times, and on one occasion, 30 times in one day. As an additional achievement, I once completed the original Super Mario Brothers while watching the TV reflection in a mirror. I didn't go outside much after 1988.

6. During Freshman year, I broke my right wrist while roller skating in gym class. Chalking it up to random pain and shock, I ignored it and continued on with my day until the arm could no longer function, and turned a dark shade of blue. I eventually made a full and disgusting recovery.

7. During one of my trademark tantrums as a child, I went completely off my nut at a bowling alley over the protest of a gutter ball. The ferocity of my anger, coupled with the slickness of the bowling shoes, allowed me to actually kick myself in the face. I didn't think it was possible, and still don't, really.

8. I've wet the bed one time in my life, and only one time. I was 16.

9. I have literally sat on the lap of Brett Favre; Super Bowl champion, the NFL's only 3-time MVP and my favorite football player of all time. He signed an autograph for me, which was later scribbled over and destroyed by my 5-year-old sister.

10. I once got a Ford Escort up to 106 miles per hour. My normally 21-minute long trip from school took 7 minutes.

There you have it, 10 more bite-sized CDP facts for dissection. Sound off in the comments section about which one or many you think is crap. Spring has sprung; enjoy it.

Also, The Simpsons Movie; July 27, 2007. Good thing or bad thing? Discuss.