Friday, March 24

Lost Friday - "The Whole Truth."

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Season Two - Episode 16 - "The Whole Truth."

Another Lost Friday is upon us. We have much to discuss.

I've said something similar in the past, but every now and again it's good to get an episode like this thrown at us. Sure, there was a decent story and the plotline was advanced ever so slightly, but it essentially set the stage for the huge events that are about to transpire as we approach the season finale (only a handful of episodes away). Jin & Sun episodes are good that way, because their flashbacks normally don't coincide with any of the other castaways, and the stories on the island are left to wander about on their own and bring the audience up to speed.

Oh, and any episode where Sun gets more screen time is fine with me. If she ever leaves Lost, they should give her a spinoff show where she solves crimes with a Proboscis monkey in Hawaii. They would call it "Sun & Moon," because the monkey would be named Moon and he would moon people.

Okay, the sooner we get through this, the sooner we can talk about next week's episode. Here's the skinny, courtesy of Wikipedia, the absolute best page on the planet:

THE SKINNY.

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(..."But maybe you and I could work something out. Hey, where you going?")

In flashbacks, it is shown that Sun and Jin were experiencing difficulties in their marriage because they were unable to have children. Jin was convinced that by having a child, Sun's father wouldn't give him such a dangerous profession. They sought help from a doctor who told them Sun was incapable of having children. Jin reacted poorly and accused Sun of having known this before their wedding and concealing it from him. It was also shown that Sun was still seeing her old boyfriend, Jae Lee, and it was he who was teaching her English so she could leave Jin. The doctor finds Sun and admits to her that it is actually Jin who is sterile but he had been afraid to tell Jin that.

On the island, Sun and Jin are experiencing problems because of Jin's over-protectiveness towards Sun after her attempted abduction. Sun suspects she is pregnant and approaches Sawyer for a pregnancy test. She finds out she is pregnant but is afraid of Jin's reaction so delays telling him. But after Jin apologizes for their earlier argument (as he cannot understand anyone, so he needs Sun), she tells him she is pregnant and also tells him their doctor had said he was sterile. But she tells him he is the only man she has ever slept with. Jin believes her and says that the baby is a 'miracle.' The audience is left wondering if she is still being dishonest with him.

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(The secret map to Dostoevsky's wordy and overrated treasure.)

In other developments, Locke tells Ana Lucia about the captive, Henry, and asks her to interrogate him without consulting Jack. Ana Lucia gets Henry to give her a map of the supposed location of his balloon, but after seeing the rift between Jack and Locke, decides not to tell either of them. She instead convinces Sayid and Charlie to accompany her to the site to see if the balloon exists. They arrive at the site and begin looking but do not find it. Ana Lucia wants to be sure before she and Sayid do anything drastic to Henry, so Sayid splits the area into three parts so they can look until Ana Lucia is satisfied.

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("Ahh, Stockholm Syndrome. Remember when Sayid obliterated my face?")

Back in the hatch, Jack lets Henry out of the armory and gives him cereal from a box covered in Dharma logos. Henry questions where they got it, and after Locke says it's from the pantry full of food, Henry replies with disbelief that they do not question the hatch and its contents more closely. He then states that this must be his reward for good behavior, for finally drawing the map to his balloon. Jack and Locke are speechless as Henry goes on to say that Ana Lucia probably didn't tell them because of their constant power struggle and trust issues. He then plays on their fears by pointing out that if he was an Other, he would have used this opportunity to lead their friends to a secluded place where they would be ambushed, and traded for Henry's life. Henry ends the episode by saying it's a good thing he's not an Other, and, "You guys got any milk?"

[SMASH CUT TO BLACK.]

I love the smash cut. Every week, you know it's coming but you always get floored by it. It's like a sucker punch to the groin when you least expect it, leaving you tender and gimpy for another week, duct-taping a bag of frozen peas to your inner pant leg and secretly enjoying it. Day-to-day life would be far more interesting if us common folk could work the smash cut into our schedule.

"Hey Bob, did you get that spreadsheet finished?"

"....What spreadsheet?"

[SMASH CUT TO BLACK.]

Numbers, please.

THE NUMBERS.

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("Listen Sun, I'm extremely evil and that's okay.")

4. Because the main focus of this episode was Jin & Sun, that's where we'll start. First off, is Sun telling the truth about her infidelity? I don't really know, but it would appear as if there are some things she has yet to tell him. Also, if Sun wanted to keep her affair a secret, why would she tell Jin the truth about him being sterile, and the doctor lying to him? All that would do is raise doubts in Jin's mind about him fathering this child.

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(Tragically for her fans, Joyce was among the dead. Her glasses, however, remain.)

On the other hand, she might be telling the truth, and the pregnancy is just that, a 'miracle.' Or, the island is working its freaky magic again. They made a lot of ruckus about the pregnancy test itself, focusing on the 'Widmore Labs' company that manufactured it. We've seen Widmore pop up in other places on the show, which may lead to the notion that the test itself isn't all it appears to be.

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("Hi, I'm icky. Still with Jin?")

If you think about it, perhaps the island is allowing people to manifest their fantasies; the things they want or think about the most. Charlie found a ton of smack, Jin & Sun got their baby, Jack saw his dad again, Locke could walk again and explore the jungles like he wanted to, Eko stared down his inner demons (literally), Kate saw the horse that saved her from jail, Walt got his polar bear, Hurley got closer to his numbers; the list goes on and on. That sounds a little far off, and it is, but it's a decent enough theory for me at this point. And I'm drunk.

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("I'm just asking for this much time with your wife, see?")

8. Here's the thing about Sun being pregnant. If the show progresses like it has been for the last two seasons, she would be pregnant for the equivalent of 6 more seasons before giving birth. Not going to happen. If she really IS pregnant, expect one of two things to happen:

a) She loses the baby, she's killed off, or something else that halts the pregnancy.
b) We fast-forward ahead many months or even years by the time season three premieres.

Now, jumping ahead a long way may seem harsh or even impossible on a show like this, but consider the following. Walt's not getting any younger, they are almost out of pre-island flashbacks and JJ Abrams did the SAME EXACT THING ON ALIAS. He could most certainly do it again, although that would be a really tragic thing to do to such a minutiae-driven show. We'll have to wait and see where the writers and producers stand come season-finale time (May 24).

15. Henry is a smart and evil dude. Say what you will, but I really enjoy his character. He knows just what to say and do to drive the castaways against each other, questioning their security and intelligence. Henry knows exactly what he's doing. He stood up to Jack, Locke, Sayid, Eko and Ana without having to change his shorts once, which is more than I expected.

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("This is Henry Gale, speaking for the new Remington Ultra-Screen Razor.")

He's the voice of reason in the hatch; the voice of the fans. "What's with the computer? Where do you get all this food? You have a lot of trust issues, don't you? You're not asking enough questions!" If he's doing all of this for a reason, it matters not. Maybe his ribbing will get the castaways to actually ask the questions we've been asking all season. His psychological turning of the screws with Jack and Locke is going quite swimmingly, and Locke is all set for an epic breakdown next week.

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("Well, Henry saw Blue Crush, so he's certainly evil.")

His monologue at the end of the episode was eerie. It would appear as if Henry put the balloon hunters in a lot of danger, and a showdown is on the way. Or, he's just a massive dick.

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(Ana and Charlie awkwardly recreate the climactic scene from Deliverance.)

16. Why didn't Ana and Sayid ask Charlie where he got his gun? The audience knows that Charlie got one because he was in cahoots with Sawyer over the procuring of all the weapons; you'd think that they would want to know where it came from. Charlie's been acting quite brash and bold since the atrocity that was 'Fire & Water,' and I think his secret might come out before the balloon excursion is over.

'Balloon excursion.' Sound like a blast, doesn't it?

Sayid and Ana are obviously developing a relationship towards each other. They have a lot in common, apart from the whole "Sorry I murdered your girlfriend" thing. Ana is looking for someone to confide in, and Sayid is the only person who's giving her that opportunity.

So, is Henry's balloon out there? In the previews for next week's episode, we see that there's something that resembles the balloon in the trees, but we don't know for sure. If you believe the theory that the island is manifesting thoughts and feelings, one might pop up out of nowhere, much like the evil rain that shows up whenever something bad happens.

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(If it doesn't have nutrition facts, I'm not touching it.)

23. Dharma seems to be a pretty powerful operation. They have their own line of foods, ranch dressing and cereal, along with theatrical glue, towels and multi-billion dollar research facilities. You would naturally assume that Dharma is monitoring the Swan hatch, and knows exactly what's going on down there with Henry and the like.

Besides, if the Swan hatch really was capable of destroying everything Dharma has created, don't you think they would have done something about it by now? The internet nerd theories are stating that the Orientation film was a hoax to get subjects in on the experiment, like what happened to Desmond (if he's not an Other). Say what you will; something tells me that we're going to find out a lot more about the hatch next week. When I say 'something,' I mainly mean the previews.

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(I like how Dharma had completely unnecessary things labeled. Like, if they lost their towel, someone could return it to them.)

42. I enjoy watching the day-to-day activities of Hatch living. Downing bowls of Dharma Flakes, wiping your clean-shaven face with a Dharma towel. I especially liked seeing Locke chilling to Geronimo Jackson with the Lava Lamp on. Which reminds me; if the Initiative started in the 1970's, don't you think they would have uncovered some Dharma-sanctioned weed by now? Just a thought.

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("Are there any more Mary statues in the armory?")

Next week's episode looks really, really....good.

THE PREVIEW (SPOILERS AHOY!).

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(You give Henry 5 minutes of computer time, and this is what happens.)

Next week's episode (Episode 17) is titled 'Lockdown,' and is Locke-centric.

Judging by the previews and what I've picked up on the internets, here's what we can expect to see:

a) Locke will be attending a funeral with Helen. Is it his father? Dunno.

Also, there's a crazy rumor going around that Locke's dad is the original 'Sawyer.' Makes sense when you think about it, and I remember pitching that theory months ago. Let it be known that if it's true, I knew it all along.

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("Peeeeeek!")

b) Another rumor is that Locke's going to get hurt this week. Like, he might not be able to walk anymore. Because of this accident, he will be asking Henry of all people for help.

c) Why would he ask Henry for help? Because the hatch is going to go into nuclear holocaust mode and lower those blast doors with Locke and Henry inside. The intercom was doing this weird countdown, the horns were blasting and the hatch was straight going 'orf. It looked pretty creepy from the previews.

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("No! My checkbook's on the other side!")

d) Because of these happenings, Henry might be able to make his escape. Meanwhile, we see Sayid pointing a gun at someone in the hatch, meaning that he made it back safe and sound. There's a chance that he's pointing the gun at Henry, because Ana and Charlie are being held at the mercy of the Others, as Henry predicted.

e) Ana, Charlie and Sayid find a balloon in the jungle that looks an awful lot like a smiley face. That's all we know.

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(The Wal-Mart mascot finally meets its tragic end.)

Word.

Well, there you have it, another lengthy Lost Friday in the books. I feel like a new bar of soap.

As always, here are links to all of my Lost Friday posts, each eager and waiting to take your call. E-mail me at communistdance@yahoo.com, and start the discussion in the comments section. Thanks for stopping by, and don't be a stranger to the CDP.

SEASON TWO - RERUN EDITION: VOLUME 8
SEASON TWO - RERUN EDITION: VOLUME 7
SEASON TWO - EPISODE 15 REVIEW
SEASON TWO - EPISODE 14 REVIEW
SEASON TWO - EPISODE 13 REVIEW
SEASON TWO - RERUN EDITION: VOLUME 6
SEASON TWO - EPISODE 12 REVIEW
SEASON TWO - EPISODE 11 REVIEW
SEASON TWO - EPISODE 10 REVIEW
SEASON TWO - RERUN EDITION: VOLUME 5
SEASON TWO - RERUN EDITION: VOLUME 4
SEASON TWO - RERUN EDITION: VOLUME 3
SEASON TWO - EPISODE 9 REVIEW
SEASON TWO - EPISODE 8 REVIEW
SEASON TWO - EPISODE 7 REVIEW
SEASON TWO - EPISODE 6 REVIEW
SEASON TWO - RERUN EDITION: VOLUME 2
SEASON TWO - RERUN EDITION
SEASON TWO - EPISODE 5 REVIEW
SEASON TWO - EPISODE 4 REVIEW
SEASON TWO - EPISODE 3 REVIEW
SEASON TWO - EPISODE 1 REVIEW
SEASON TWO PREVIEW

Thursday, March 23

Katharine McPhee Watch - Volume 2.

9 Losers & Katharine McPhee.

92,000 people auditioned for American Idol this year.

There are now 10 singers left, and Katharine McPhee is one of them.

Just thought you might want to know.

Also, I'm one of the top web searches for Katharine McPhee nowadays, so I've got that going for me. If she wins this thing, I'll be getting a million hits a day. If she doesn't win, she really should call me because I'm an impeccable listener and know just what to say. Sure, Chris, Taylor, Mandisa and Elliott are great singers, but...you know.

A brand new Lost Friday arrives in 24 hours, so sit tight. If you haven't tried out the CDP Mad Lib, please look to the previous post and do so. March is shaping up to be one of our biggest months yet, so thank you for your support.


I'm so emo, I'm dead:
Sunny Day Real Estate - Live

Wednesday, March 22

Stupid Libs, Ruining Everything.

Here now, the very first CDP Mad-Lib. Here’s how you can play along; it’s fun!

Make a list of answers to the following 20 questions. For example, if I ask you for a PLURAL NOUN, you’d say something like BLENDERS or GRAPEFRUITS. Do this for each of the 20 words I ask of you.

When you’re finished, plug your answers into the correct places in my following trademark rant. They’ll be in order, so it’s easy. Ready?

Write down the first thing that comes to your mind for the following:

1. PLURAL NOUN (I already used blenders and grapefruits, jerk.)
2. ADJECTIVE (Descriptive word, in case you were wondering.)
3. TOURIST ATTRACTION
4. HISTORICAL PERSON
5. PLURAL DRINK
6. PLURAL SNACK
7. WORST MOVIE EVER
8. ADJECTIVE (Make sure it’s different from your first adjective!)
9. MEDIA MEDIUM
10. DISEASE
11. CRIME-RIDDLED CITY
12. ANIMAL
13. VEHICLE BRAND
14. ANIMAL (Make it different from the first animal!)
15. BODY PART
16. COLOGNE
17. CELEBRITY YOU HATE
18. BODY PART (Make it different from the first body part!)
19. ARTICLE OF CLOTHING
20. GAY CELEBRITY

Now, take those 20 answers, and get ready to plug them into one of my numerous hilarious rants.

'Hilarious Trademark Rant'
By: The CDP.

So, here’s three reasons why I absolutely despise PLURAL NOUN.

1. They’re ADJECTIVE.

You can’t even go to the TOURIST ATTRACTION anymore without drowning in their bull rip. Why, me and FAMOUS PERSON were just discussing their annoyance over PLURAL DRINK and PLURAL SNACK. We came to the conclusion that we hate them more than WORST MOVIE EVER.

2. They think they’re so ADJECTIVE.

I’m sick of seeing them on the MEDIA MEDIUM all the time, rattling on about their DISEASE. Listen, I grew up in CRIME-RIDDLED CITY too, but I don’t go around blaming it for the time I hit that ANIMAL with my VEHICLE BRAND.

3. They smell like an ANIMAL’s BODY PART.

I shouldn't have to walk around with a can of COLOGNE just because I’m afraid they’ll show up reeking like CELEBRITY wiped their BODY PART on their ARTICLE OF CLOTHING. I swear to you, the next time I see them coming, I’ll run faster than GAY CELEBRITY to the Bravo channel.

Did it work for you? What were your words? Share the laughter and love in the comments section, and praise me for all the hard work I do for you.

There's a new Lost on tonight, along with someone other than Katharine McPhee getting booted off American Idol; so don't be calling me. I put up new links and updates in almost every section of the sidebar, so check 'em out if you get the chance. Sons & Daughters is the best show on TV that you're not watching; the two episodes last night were brilliant.


My tastes are better than your tastes:
P.O.S. - Audition

Monday, March 20

Worst Album Covers Of All Time.

Here now, a small sampling of the worst album covers ever.

Much like the 'Random Facts About Chuck Norris' and 'Shockmaster Incident' posts, the 'Worst Album Covers Ever' post was a long time coming. Sure, I didn't really discover any of these, and the same terrible covers have been tossed around forever, but I felt I needed to bring a similar post to the CDP. Why? Well, because some people might not have seen these covers yet, and also because I'm fresh out of original ideas.

To check out the biggest selection of bad album covers on the web, check out this link. Some of those covers are PG-13 or downright obscene, so I omitted them from the CDP countdown. Away we go.

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#15 - Wolf: Wolf

When you put a vicious, snarling animal on the cover of your album, you're normally trying to invoke a sense of fright or danger. You know, let the kids know that you mean business and are capable of getting biz-zay frequently and sufficiently. In the case of this Wolf album, you're left with the theory that the artist was attempting to draw a wolf, but decided to turn it into a gorilla wearing a trench coat and a Freddy Krueger mitt at the last minute. While I respect his or her decision to go with their gut, I don't think it's possible to come up with something less intimidating.

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#14 - Country Church: Country Church

This photo was clearly taken at a local Sears or Citgo station, purchased with the money those two guys won at the World Beard & Moustache Championships. How they managed to take a break from life on the farm long enough to pick up matching outfits is beyond me, let alone record an entire album. Now, the gentleman in the middle has his hand on the girl's shoulder, which would explain why he was mysteriously murdered later that day and replaced with her husband on lead tambourine. Furthermore, when members of a church start dressing the same, it is officially a cult.

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#13 - Joyce: Joyce

Ah, Joyce. You lovable, lonely woman. No doubt, this albums contains tracks of love and loving lovers lost, with just a dash of hope for the future. Joyce seems vulnerable yet self-sufficient, holding a single rose as if to say, "Look at me. I'm distraught and alone, and that's okay!" Her once empowered female fans were generally upset and confused with the release of her sophomore album, "I Am Totally Down With Being Tyrone's Ho'." She was nominated for a Source award that year, but sadly lost to MC Lyte.

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#12 - Roger: The Many Facets Of Roger

For all the 'facets' that Roger seems to have, something tells me that they all end up the same way. Sweating through yet another jumpsuit in the dressing room of a smoky disco, cutting up a rock of coke so big I could set my television on it.

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#11 - Mike Adkins: Thank You For The Dove

I found out that this was a spiritual album (really?), which raised a lot of moral questions with me. First off, has God ever dropped your own personal dove from the sky? Ever? If He did, would you keep it? Secondly, I'm completely convinced that Jesus would never listen to about 99% of the crap people write about Him. I could see the Almighty listening to Sufjan Stevens or All Star United, but He wouldn't stand for this. No way. At least, not the Jesus I know. Also, the Jesus I know smells like sandalwood and pine, and never tires of my endless tirades about the government and student loans.

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#10 - Manowar: Anthology

Oh, no.

Let's talk demographics for a sec', kay? Who is this appealing to? Male metal fans? Nope. Female metal fans? Well maybe, if there were any. You know who this cover appeals to? Manowar. That's all, nothing more and nothing less. Furthermore, that's up with the one guy who's not shirtless? Did he have a no-nudity clause in his contract? Maybe he thought his moustache was statement enough, which is totally true. Everyone should know by now that the only people you attract with naked men are other men who like naked men. Stick with the scantly-clad ladies that got you here, Manowar.

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#09 - Devastatin’ Dave (The Turntable Slave): Zip Zap Rap

First off, Devastatin' Dave is not a DJ. He looks more like a professional wrestler. In any regard, he could almost certainly get his ass trounced by 'Rowdy' Roddy Piper, or 'Mean' Gene Okerlund for that matter. It would also appear that Dave is an African-American fellow, which would make his use of the term 'slave' very odd at the least. Also, did you notice that the word 'zap' is directly placed on Mr. Slave's embarrassingly tight pants? Is that supposed to be some sort of subliminal message? That all being said, I'm quite certain that anything in my pants could spin records better than Devastatin' Dave. In fact, my pantal contents are challenging Dave to a spin-off later this afternoon.

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#08 - Mike Crain: Karatist Preacher - God’s Power

Mike Crain is a triple threat. Not only is he a singer as well as a man of the cloth, he's also a black belt! That's more than I can claim, so I can't bust on this guy too much. Say what you will, but when was the last time you saw a preacher smashing bricks with his palms in church? Maybe if there were more guys like Mike Crain around, I'd go to church more often. You know what? This might actually be the best album cover ever.

"The power of Christ compells you...to break these bricks of Satan! Yaaahhh!"

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#07 - Jim Post: I Love My Life

As much as it pains me and my 'stache loving friends to say this, Jim's super-thick 'stache is what ruins the cover. You know, a whole lot of album covers have the lead singer standing naked under a waterfall or frolicking in a Finnish sauna, but they normally don't sport a crumb catcher that can absorb a good 9 quarts of liquid. Look at the damn thing! Can you imagine how much that mass weighs right now? Brutha's gunna have a stretch mark on his philtrum. After some digging around, I found out that Mr. Post now does side work as a Mark Twain impersonator (really).

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#06 - John Bult: Julie’s Sixteenth Birthday

Oh, hell no.

John, what are you doing? There's nothing even close to legal with this situation, whatsoever. You took this girl to a bar; now you're drinking a beer, smoking a butt and holding her hand. Who's going to drive her home when you pass out? You could have at least taken her to Chuck-E-Cheese so she could be around people her own age. Maybe if you got rid of that lousy hat, you could find someone over 16 that wants to be seen in public with you. Thank you, John Bult, now I need a shower, maybe two.

Upon closer examination of the cover, you can see that the Julie in question is gazing longingly at the cigarette and mug of beer (probably Blatz, possibly Billy). So maybe, just maybe, the concept of the album isn't rampant pedophilia and a pending child molestation charge, but just that Julie's depressed she's too young to smoke and get smashed.

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#05 - Freddie Gage: All My Friends Are Dead

You can take the title of this album one of two ways. One, you could see Mr. Gage as an unlucky and depressed fellow who has seen his most beloved people parish in this cruel and unpredictible thing we call life. Or, you can see it for what it's worth. That Freddie Gage is an unstoppable serial murderer and you should avoid being his friend or acquaintance at all costs. What could this guy possibly be singing about? Smiths covers, I assume. And if all of his friends are dead, who's buying his albums?

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#04 - Jeff: Something Special

You know what? Forget it. I'm not touching this one.

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#03 - Mike Terry: Live At The Pavilion Theatre - Glasgow

This is the only cover on the list that makes me laugh every time I lay eyes on it. Mike Terry appears to be having a great time playing his piano. Oh, and he's also stuffed like a beef sausage into a suit that Liberace gave up for being 'entirely too gay.' I can only imagine what the cover of Volume One looked like. Furthermore, look at his neck. It looks as if the costume is on backwards, dangling dangerously and clinging onto his waddle for dear life. Maybe he's wearing a spandex jumpsuit under this, and he tears it off during a rollicking Scottish rendition of 'Great Balls Of Fire.' (roll tongue on the word 'great' for maximum effect)

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#02 - Ken: By Request Only

Oh, don't act like you don't know what time it is! This is Ken, man!

The two things about this cover that strike me the most are 1), the shot on the right is most certainly in an outhouse, and 2), the shot on the left is a crude, carved stone figure of the man on the right. This is widely regarded as the worst album cover of all time, and just sleeves of this album go for big money on Ebay. Something tells me that 'By Request Only' means his set list consists of about half a song before he's quickly escorted back to his customized barstool, where he's fed vodka tonics for the remainder of the night. Then at 2am, he'll stumble back into the ballroom, fart into the mike and fall off the stage.

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#01 -Heino: Liebe Mutter…

Okay, there's something you need to know about the cover of this album. The translation reads, 'Dear Mother...A Bouquet That Never Wilts.'

Thanks, Oedipus. Way to expand your fan base.

Can you imagine what this album sounds like? Really? For my money, all the booze, weed, shrooms, smack, rock, ice, airplane glue, gasoline, Knightmare Juice and shoe polish in the world wouldn't even get me in the same ballpark. Thank you, Heino. This is truly the funniest and most unsettling album cover I have ever seen.

So, there you have it. Sound off in the comments section about your favorite album cover, and feel free to submit your own.