Friday, November 19

I've Got Perfect Words To Say.



MEDIOCRE AT BEST REUNION
Date - TBA
Place - TBA
Time - TBA
Price - TBA

Okay, so this isn't happening. I just figured if the Benjamins can do it, so can we!

It's a little past midnight on Friday right now, and I'm just getting ready to go to bed. The house is clean, the cats have been fed and properly groomed, and I'm wearing my flannel pajama bottoms. As you can see, married life has turned me into the man I've really always been.

It's pretty obvious that Celia didn't have to work very hard to rope me into this. I was never much into casual dating, I disliked parties to no extent, and the women I hung out with had such crippling emotional baggage that I almost went gay my Sophomore year. The thought of waking up next to someone I truly cared about was what sent me onward and upward, looking for that person who would settle for a egomaniacal knob like myself. I'm more true to myself lint-rolling the furniture than I ever was pretending to listen to 15-year olds go on about their boyfriends.

Most guys like choices. They compare it to cereal. If you could choose between eating the same bowl of cereal for breakfast every day for the rest of your life, or getting to pick from the variety pack all the time, what would you choose? What guys tend to forget is that variety isn't an earned privilege. Just because you're single doesn't mean you get free reign over anything you want. Aside from that, the variety packs always leave me unfulfilled and ashamed.

Nothing turns women off faster than a single guy. Single guys don't know how to take care of themselves. Without a gentle-but-firm female counterpart around, guys fall to pieces. They put on weight, refuse to shave, listen to terrible music, buy clothing that most women can't stand and then they wonder why the phone's not ringing.

Meanwhile, a guy with a significant other is well taken care of. The woman drags your ass out of bed, wipes the crust out of your eyes, and puts a ironed shirt on your back. Suddenly, women won't leave you alone. It's unfair, it's completely baffling, it's women in a nutshell. I couldn't love it more. What women don't like about men, GOOD men REALLY don't like about men.

All around my place of employment, I hear bitter women venting about how much men suck. Suddenly, after 20 years of marriage and 4 kids, they realize that they can function on their own. They finally realize that they married a selfish, unresponsive, sexist prick that has no idea or intention of making their wife happy. The truth is simple. Most men DO suck. Most men think about themselves first, and refuse to make decisions with anyone else in mind. Most men cannot recognize any pain in their significant others unless she's crying or bleeding. Most men are selfish without even realizing it, and when confronted with the facts, will have the nerve to try to blame it on the nagging of the woman.

Listen, jackass. If that woman wasn't there for you, you would have absolutely no idea how to function as a normal human being. Sure, you THINK you'd be okay, but you'd be a Goddamn mess and you know it. You should be so lucky that this wonderful woman has offered you the rest of her life to attempt to whip you into decent shape, so she can show you off at gatherings. Do NOT let her down. She deserves better than you, and you'd better make damn sure that she never realizes that.

It's not hard to make a woman happy, despite what you may think. Allow me to share with you the simple, 3-step process to making a woman content for the rest of her life:

Step #1 - Listen.
Step #2 - Understand.
Step #3 - Repeat.

I'm not writing all of this because I want to impress anyone, or to show off my feminine side. (Although my feminine side is quite a rare wonder.) You just need to understand that I just don't like guys very much. For the last 22 years, I've had to listen to the most asinine comments come out of the lips of men, and pretend to agree with it. Friends, relatives, politicians, everyone. It troubles me to no end to think that behind each of these men, there's a women who's upset because of it. No doubt, the women are firmly in control of the relationship, but it's still not fair to hurt someone you love because you're retarded.

Not only that, but I don't think that all these loser guys deserve the women they're with. Regardless of all the mind-bogglingly awful things that we do, men still get more women than any other species on the planet today. This isn't right. The next time your man pisses you off, play hardball. Tell him that you're going to run off with a Yak, or perhaps a Teddy-Bear Hamster. An animal who knows where the nearest stream is, and who keeps in shape on their little exercise wheel. Obviously, it's getting late, and I'm starting to ramble a bit.

My final thought is this. Men, you have no idea how easy you have it. All women ask of you is that you treat them the way you want to be treated. They may never make up their mind about where they want to eat dinner, but they'll never waiver on the respect thing, I promise. Some women have serious problems, some men have serious problems, but the majority of people just want a pair of eyes looking back at them and nodding.

It's the least we can do.

Thursday, November 18

It's Killing My Buzz.



THE BENJAMINS REUNION
Saturday, December 18
Mad Planet - Milwaukee
10:00 PM - 21 + Over

More information as it surfaces. You heard it here first. Don't bother searching around for more information, because it flat-out doesn't exist yet.

Are you coming to Celia's birthday party?

Have you visited Boycott Unity?

Monday, November 15

Monkey Is Not A Color.



Since we're on the subject, here's some quick thoughts on Television.

I'm starting to worry about Arrested Development. 2 episodes into the new season, and I'm liking the characters a lot less, and the plots are slipping from the absurd to downright silly. I still think it's the funniest show on TV, but I hope it doesn't continue the downward trend.

Badgers lose, Packers win. Ryan is torn, but happy.

I talked the Missus into watching The Burbs with me this weekend. Still one of the funniest movies ever made.

Speaking of the Missus, Celia made this prediction on Sunday, November 14 at 8:45PM. The "Boss" on My Big Fat Obnoxious Boss will be a monkey. Mark her words, I think she's right. I'll refer back to this post when it's revealed that she was correct.

Why aren't you watching Mythbusters? For God's sake, it's the best show on cable. If you're not familiar with it, here are a few quotes from the show to get you started:

Adam Savage: "It just goes to show, don't grab the third rail with both hands and piss on it from three inches away."

Jamie Hyneman: "Something seems to be wrong with our Death Ray. I'm standing right in it, and I'm not dead yet."

Adam Savage: "Let's say, standard 85-percentile male, right? Six feet, 180 pounds. Uh, proportionally, that's 72 inches to 180 pounds." [holds up an action figure for scale-model testing]
Adam Savage: "10 inches tall? 25 pounds. I just did the math. I need him to weigh 25 pounds."
Jamie Hyneman: "So you're saying that he needs to be built out of depleted uranium." Adam Savage: [laughs] "Eh, do you have some? Is it under "D" or "U" over here?"

Adam Savage: "How hard can it be to blow up a room full of gasoline?"

Well, you get the point. I refuse to miss an episode, and plan my day around it. Enough about Television.

Last night I had a dream that I was sitting in the back of an old pickup truck being driven backwards through a wooded area at a high rate of speed by Celia. I was wondering how I had gotten myself into this sort of situation, and how dead I'd be if she were to hit the brakes. Luckily for us, she stopped the truck by a run-down shack and we got out. There, a giant lumberjack of a man shot a flare gun at me, somehow blowing up the shack I was standing in front of. I then wrestled a pitchfork out of the hands of a lanky passerby, and put it through the lumberjack's neck. As blood exploded from his jugular vein, I threw up and awoke. I didn't sleep much afterwards.

The weirdest part came this afternoon, when most of that dream came true.

What are you dreaming about?